...I would get HIV. I have always safely guarded against that vulnerability and at this point I’m making excuses, I guess, but suffice it to say that sex with an HIV positive person is not on the menu for me.

I politely declined and the guy was totally cool with it. The interaction was civil and respectful. He reminded me right at the end that I should be extra careful out there because I wasn’t on PrEP and most new infections come from guys who don’t know they’re positive and so my choice to have sex (even with condoms) with “negative” guys is in some ways more risky than having sex with a guy who knows he is positive and is under proper medical care.

That’s something I knew, but there was something about his phrasing that called me to action. So, I went to to the doctor and now I’m on PrEP. I want to thank the guy—I keep spotting him on Grindr—but I’m uneasy about it because I still don’t think I feel comfortable enough to have sex with him. I don’t even know if he’ll make the jump to that, but I want to know if you think it’s worth it for me to reach out to him, or if you think it’s a silly idea. Part of it is self-centered for me I suppose (I feel guilty about rejecting him and want to provide validation, or something) but truthfully I do appreciate his advocacy in the face of my rejection.

Prepared Reply Entirely Persuasive

Be a human being, PREP.

Reach out to Mr. Grindr, thank him for pounding some sense into you, and tell him you’re on PrEP now, per his kind and thoughtful recommendation. And don’t stop there: tell Mr. G you’re torn between What You Know and How You Feel. You know “undetectable” is another word for "uninfectious,” at least where poz guys who are on their meds are concerned, and that sex with poz-and-undetectable guys is less risky than sex with guys who are sure they’re negative but might not be. Like I told DADT in this week's Savage Love...

[A] positive guy with an undetectable viral load is less of a risk—at least where HIV transmission is concerned—than a guy who believes himself to be negative because he was the last time he got tested or because he doesn't think he could ever get infected and so has never been tested. Someone who was recently infected is highly infectious; someone who doesn't think he could ever get infected—because he doesn't sleep with older guys, because he only tops, because his ass is magic and he uses unicorn spit for lube—is a fucking idiot, and fucking idiots are higher risk for fucking everything.

Then tell Mr. G him how you feel, PREP: you're irrationally afraid of having sex with poz guys. You're more afraid of having less risky sex with poz guys than you were of having sex, pre-PrEP, with guys who thought they were negative but might not have been. You're afraid even now that you're on PrEP and the odds of you getting infected by an undetectable poz guy are effectively zero. You're afraid because after you came out your parents freaked out about—excuse me: your parents were literally only concerned about—you getting infected with HIV. Then ask Mr. G if he might be willing to meet up sometime to talk about the possibility of him maybe fucking some sense into you. You can start slow: instead of incredibly safe, no-risk fucking, PrEP, just go in for some JO and rolling around and maybe a little oral the first time you meet up. If that goes well and he wants to keep hooking up with you, build up to him literally fucking some sense into you.

This isn't something you would be doing for Mr. G, PREP. You'd be doing it for yourself. Because this guy—a guy who didn't flip out when you rejected him, a guy who cared enough about a complete stranger on a hookup app to spend a few minutes encouraging him to take care of himself—sounds like a good and kind person. Good and kind people make great boyfriends, PREP, and great boyfriends make great husbands. Even if it turns out that he's not the right guy for you, another good and kind poz guy could come along and that guy could wind up being the love of your life. It would be a real loss—a real loss for you—if your irrational fear of being with poz guys prevented that relationship from getting off the ground.