DAN.jpg

34-year-old woman here, married for 10 years, with my husband since I was 19. I had very little sexual experience before I met him, and he was also in the same boat. When we started having sex it was great although I wonder a bit how much of that was due to the excitement of having PIV sex for the first time and having my first serious relationship. I had really low self-esteem and was absolutely cripplingly shy, so even though I can see now I had interest from men I either didn't notice or was too scared to respond. We managed to get together because my husband is incredibly kind and friendly and I didn't feel intimidated by him. Anyway, it was good, and I was attracted to him.

In my mid to late twenties, I had a severe depressive episode, put...

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...on a huge amount of weight, lost confidence and therefore libido. I explained it was me, not him. Husband was very, very understanding. The depression got cured although I'm still very fat and with some disordered eating problems and trying to work on that.

But my husband and I don't have sex. And I'm finding him less and less attractive. I've probably felt this way for the past five years but recently I don't even like to cuddle or hug or even spoon in bed. When we got together he was a cute fresh-faced young looking 20-year-old. He's now 35 and still looks 20. He's short. He's skinny—and skinnier than when I met him since he runs marathons now. He's almost hairless. He has a small face. He's basically a twink. And I'm just not into him. Especially now I'm fat I hate feeling like I could snap him in half. I want to be with a manly man! He thinks I avoid sex because of my body image issues which was the problem when I was depressed. He sometimes asks for reassurance that I find him attractive and I say that I do, but I'm lying and I feel awful. Meanwhile, I'm the one whose appearance has changed )for the worse) and he's still quite clearly crazy about me. I gently floated the idea of non-monogamy once but he's very against it. Monogamy actually turns him on. And even if we agreed, I'm really not attractive at the moment and I'm still pretty shy. I can't see myself finding anyone.

I love my husband, although it does feel platonic. I wish I'd played the field before settling down. But he's the greatest husband anyone could ask for, and so devoted. I can't see myself divorcing because we've been together so long and he's a good guy. I'm getting too old to find someone new and I doubt I'd do better. He'll be a great life partner, a great father.

But what in the hell do I do about the sex? I've speculated it could be partly because I was on the pill when I met him and went off it a few years ago, but I can't go back on it. Is it possible I'll become attracted to him again? I really really wish I was. I really really wish I could fuck someone who turned me on.

WHAT DO I DO, DAN? WHAT DO I DO!

Irritated At My Husband's Overly Reasonable, Nice, Young Demeanor; Advise Now

P.S. Oh no, and now he's started sexting me because we're away from each other a lot this year because of a job. We were both into this when we started dating. And now I just don't know how to respond. I really don't want to do the wrong thing here.

You don't wanna fuck your manchildhusband anymore. You can't bear his niceness. Sexting with him pains you. I'm inclined to tell you to put your marriage out of its misery, IAMHORNYDAN, because even with work, time, and patience, it's unlikely you'll ever wanna fuck your manchildhusband again. I'm sorry if that's bleak, IAMHORNYDAN, but this is a pretty bleak situation—and I won't be much help. Because there's really nothing I can do or say that'll make someone wanna fuck someone they don't wanna fuck anymore. Avoiding this kind of bleakness is why I urge people to put off marriage until after they've dated/slept around a little, to put marriage off until after they've really learned what gets them off, something most people can't do before their 25th birthdays. (Full disclosure: My husband was 23 when we met and so far, so good. So individual results may vary, screw as I say, not as I screw, etc.)

But to play devil's advocate....

Maybe this will pass—maybe you'll come/work through this, just like you came/worked through your depression. Maybe the real problem isn't your lack of attraction to your baby-faced manchildhusband, but a deeply rooted confidence issue that's manifesting as you thinking your husband is icky/gross/kiddie. Maybe there's a good therapist in your area who can help you work through these issues. And maybe, just maybe, after working through your shit you'll realize you're madly and passionately horny for the twink you married and you'll wanna fuck your manchildhusband again and all will be well.

That could happen. Anything could happen. But it probably won't.

I'm sorry, IAMHORNYDAN, but the simplest answer—the answer that doesn't come packed with maybes—is that you two aren't sexually compatible. Youthful horniness and affection papered that over when you were younger. Not so now. More bleakness. Let's set aside the maybes and list your realistic options:

1. Ending your marriage.

2. Issuing an ultimatum. ("Our marriage is sexless but our lives shouldn't be—from here on out, honey, you're free to fuck other people and so am I.")

3. Cheating on your husband with big and strong manly men with adult faces, living with the guilt and fear of discovery, and, if you get caught, the likelihood of divorce.

If I were in your sheets, IAMHORNYDAN, I would open with option #2 but brace myself for the option #1. And don't despair it your marriage ends: You and your husband are still young. Most millennials aren't choosing to marry until well in their thirties. You gave it a good shot. Fifteen years is something to be proud of, IAMHORNYDAN, and if you can part amicably—if you can stick the dismount—you don't have to regard your marriage as a failure.


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