Courage... Flash- its all the same to me.
Courage... Flash- it's all the same to me. Photo courtesy Portland Thorns FC

The Portland Thorns lost to the North Carolina Courage, 1-0 on Saturday. DOUBLE DRATS!

This second game of the season was the first home game for the Courage and a nice size crowd came out to root for the newest team in the NWSL. And when I say “new” I mean about as “new” as something you got from Goodwill or Craiglist—it isn’t BRAND new, it’s just new to you. Once you peel the back the paint from the NC Courage, you can see what they really are: THE WESTERN NEW YORK FLASH. INSERT STINGER SOUND EFFECT

Sometime in January, a deal was signed moving the 2016 NWSL cup winners to North Carolina. Same coach, same team but different uniforms and a different name. UGH. Anyone remember how I kept crying last year because the Thorns lost the semi-final match? We lost to the Flash and this game against the Courage was an opportunity to show them who was the better team. BUT THE THORNS LOST.

WHISTLE WHILE YOU LOSE
I love the thrill and excitement of watching the Thorns live in a packed Providence Park. I love the smell of the Riveter’s “blood smoke” that burns when the Thorns score. I love the free food and coffee that's provided to us in the press box. But I'll be honest, having an away game means watching the game at home on my computer. AND I CAN DO THAT IN SWEATPANTS AND WITHOUT A BRA. The Thorns may have lost, but I got so much done! In the span of 90 minutes, I folded three loads of laundry, organized three of five junk drawers, fixed a ceiling fan, oiled tools, disinfected my stapler... heck, I even dusted UNDER my desk. I cleaned so well, I found another room in my house! I LEMON PLEDGED ALLEGIANCE TO THE THORNS!

I dusted in places I didnt know existed.
I dusted in places I didn't know existed.

HALF AND HALF
The first half looked pretty even. Both teams had some great breaks for the goal and a handful of woulda-shoulda-coulda chances at scoring. Portland midfielder Allie Long and forward Christine Sinclair connected beautifully near the box and had a heart-stopping shot at a goal. But just like those Sketcher Shape-Up shoes were supposed to help me burn more calories and tone up my butt—IT DIDN’T WORK! Then, in the 24th minute, Thorns forward Nadia Nadim made a break for a goal and looked to shuffle the ball to Sinclair for the finish, but Sinc was clipped, tripped, and fouled. A yellow card was issued to Carolina and the fight got fiercer. PLEASE DON’T CLIP THE CANADIAN.

The second half was about as even as the time I tried to cut my own bangs. SORRY AGAIN MOM. Thorns defense had a tough time staving off Courage star forwards Lynn Williams and Jessica McDonald. These two are fast, smart, experienced, and probably good at everything. I secretly wish we had them on our team—mostly because I hate playing against them. HASHTAG I'M BAD AT SECRETS.

Take that already amazing duo and put a Brazilian cherry on top (Debinha) and the Thorns were totally overwhelmed. Thorn’s goalkeeper, Adrianna Franch, stopped a penalty kick after Portland defender Emily Sonnett inadvertently caught her hand on the ball in the box. But that PK stop did not slow the Courage’s crusade for a point. Jess McDonald drove fast and furious towards the goal in the 80th minute and after stunning the Thorn's defense with a fake, she flicked the ball to Debinha, who blasted the ball into the back of the net. COMMENCE ANGRY DUSTING!

WHAT’S IN A NAME?
What’s a Debinha, you ask? Debinha is one of five new Brazilian players that recently joined the NWSL ranks. These Brazilian players employ a different style of soccer that is surly, seriously agile, and on my wish list for Portland. Sure, there have been Brazilian players in the league for years now, but bringing legends like Marta over to play for Orlando is going to change this already magical league making it even more compelling, competitive, and downright fast moving fun. IT’S A GOOD THING.

WHAT’S NEXT?
Don’t let one loss get you down! The season is long and our team is still developing together! KEEP YOUR PALE, SUN DEPRAVED CHINS UP!

Pretty much me after every loss
Pretty much me after every loss

Thorns will play the Chicago Red Stars at Providence Park on Saturday, April 29th at 1 pm. Pack up the babies, grab the old ladies, and get downtown to see a live game! TICKETS HERE!