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I'm newly on the dating scene and I'm trying to understand the mind of a guy with an extreme fetish since that's what I am. I have natural size 38T boobs and the rest of my body is relatively regular looking (google Milena Velba for a visual). I completely bungled my first attempt at dating someone ridiculously into my particular body type, although I suspect the issue was more on his end since he kept talking about how I was his dream girl, I'm so rare, blah blah blah, and now he's engaged to a woman with fake size B boobs (and keeps bothering me every once in a while, because, well, people are complicated and sexuality is confusing).

My first husband really loved me for who I am on the inside, which was definitely awesome, but he didn't have a thing for big boobs, which became kind of a bummer. For husband #2 I would like to try to find someone who loves me for who I am on the inside and is really attracted to me. But I think I'm struggling with novelty fuck syndrome—guys who want to fuck an extreme fetish once (yay! I reached the top of Mount Everest!) but don't want to be with me long term (ugh! no one wants to climb Mount Everest every damn day!). Is this something that I'm just missing about the psychology behind fetishes?

TLDR: I'm a pretty cool girl with mega boobs and I'd like to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with someone who likes mega boobs. Maybe there's a book that you can recommend?

Boobs Impress Guys

Firstly, BIG, a quibble.

You refer to yourself repeatedly as an extreme fetish, e.g. "I'm trying to understand the mind of a guy with an extreme fetish since that's what I am," "...guys want to fuck an extreme fetish once." You are not an extreme fetish, BIG. You're a person who happens to have very large breasts. Decent guys with a fetish for big boobs won't see you as an object or treat you like one. Jerky guys with a fetish for big boobs, however, are prone to treating women with big boobs like objects—and decent or jerky, guys into big boobs are likelier to treat you like an object if they hear you refer yourself as one. So don't do that. (And while fetishists objectify by definition, please note: objectification isn't always bad, it's exactly what we want at times, it can be consensual, and it can be a two-way street, i.e. we can be objectified by someone who cares about us as a person and objectify that same person—a person we care about in turn—ourselves.)

Secondly, BIG, a cursory google search.

I searched "dating advice for women with big boobs" and it didn't bring up any books. Maybe there aren't enough women with this particular problem/superpower out there, BIG, to make a book dedicated to your specific dating woes viable.

Thirdly, BIG, a digression.

Having big tits is a lot like having a big ass, isn't it? Some guys don't like big asses, of course, but lots of guys do like big asses and some guys fetishize them. Now since most relationships fail, a woman with a big ass and a half a dozen relationships behind her/it might conclude that all guys into big asses are jerks because all the guys she's been with were jerks. But that conclusion is based on a flawed sample. A big assed woman isn't going date a random selection of guys; she's going to date guys who are attracted to her. Concluding that all guys into big asses are assholes because none of her relationships have worked out—at least not yet—assigns blame to the type of person drawn to her when what she's experiencing isn't any different than what women with small asses experience: a series of relationships that didn't work followed by one that did.

So, BIG, the guys who didn't want another go with you might have been after novelty fucks or they could've ghosted or bailed for the same reason other guys ghost or bail on other women all the time.

That said, there are definitely people out there—mostly men—who are into extreme body types and struggle with shame. A guy attracted to BBW women exclusively, for example, may be too ashamed of his attraction to larger bodies to act on it in a healthy way. So he dates skinny girls and booty calls big girls he's but too cowardly to date. It sounds like that's the case with the guy who said you were his big-breasted dream girl but is now engaged to a woman with fake size B boobs. He doesn't "[keep] bothering you" because people are complicated and sexuality is confusing, BIG, but because shame warps our lives and wastes our time.

Wait—what was your question again? Oh, right:

TLDR: I'm a pretty cool girl with mega boobs and I'd like to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with someone who likes mega boobs.

You want a man who has been fantasizing about women with boobs since he got his very first boner. That's a perfectly legit non-negotiable for Hubby #2. So don't waste your time dating guys who are kindasorta into your boobs or attracted to you despite them. Only date guys who are obsessed with big boobs, weed out the ones who don't give a shit about the woman attached to them, and see if you can't find yourself a decent fetishist—that is, a guy who is into you as an object and into you as a human being too. Those are not mutually-exclusive impulses.

But remember: finding a partner who is attracted to you as an object and is also attracted to the person you are and is on the same page about kids/religion/marriage/politics/whatever... well, that's a tall order. It's not impossible, BIG, as all the happily partnered people out there prove. But it will take time.

Good luck.


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