SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Start Leveling (With Her Boyfriend) or Keep Lying (To Him, With Other Men)?

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Longtime listener, first-time writer. I'm a 31-year-old queer female writing to you from
New Zealand because I want to stop being an asshole. When it comes to sex, I’m addicted to the thrill of the chase but I struggle to maintain a lasting relationship beyond that. I’ve been with my current partner for three years but it’s been an up and down kind of a ride due to various reasons and I've also slept with 14 other people in that time without his knowledge. I’ve never had a relationship where I haven’t cheated and I’ve never dated someone who can keep up with my libido. The thing is that when I do get laid, I don’t want it to last long because it’s really only the thrill of the chase that I’m into.

My current situation suits me fine. I have a pretty good relationship and when I’m feeling like I need the thrill of the chase I’ll go have a one night stand with someone and that keeps me satisfied for a while. It suits me that his happens without my partner’s knowledge and consent because it keeps things nice and simple. I know it’s not fair that he doesn’t know. It would be ideal if he was into cuckolding but I’ve raised this idea with him in the past and he’s not keen. I’ve also raised the idea of being more open/swinging and he seemed to like the idea of that, but I do wonder if any of these things are going to damage his self-esteem. He knows that I have a higher libido than him and that I’ll happily fuck him whenever he’s keen, but if I tell him that I want to fuck other guys too won’t that make him feel inadequate? He’s not super confident and that actually causes a little bit of a problem for us in the bedroom room because he can’t make eye contact during sex and so I don’t feel connected to him. I worry if I come clean about my sexual desires and how I have/would like to keep servicing my needs, it’s going to eat away at him. He’s the sort of guy that might agree to something but wouldn’t communicate his pain until it hit boiling point. So it would be easier if I kept it all secret. But that’s not morally sound.

I know that an answer to this might be “break up with your partner and find someone who’s into cuckolding” but that won’t be easy in a county with a small population and relatively conservative attitudes towards sex. So my questions are:

1. How do you ask your partner to let you fuck someone else without it damaging their self esteem?

2. Is there a name for someone who’s addicted to the thrill of the chase?

Could Unveiling Cuck Kink Entirely Distress Her Insecure Man?

P.S. If we were to open things up I think I’d be OK with my partner fucking other people too.

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SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Best Friends Has Game, Boyfriend, Endless Parade of Sexy Hookups

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I’m a 23-year-old non-binary queer, I’ve never really been in a relationship and this is a source of some emotional baggage on my end. This feeling has been exacerbated by recent events: I got briefly romantically entangled a few months ago with a close friend. It only lasted a week, and I got dumped right before my birthday. I’m not writing for advice about that—I severed all ties with the friend in question and got right back on the dating/hookup wagon—but it ties into the question I do have...

My best friend is in an open relationship and actively dating/having kinky sex with people other than her boyfriend. She tells me about a lot of these people in great detail. In theory, and sometimes in practice, I love hearing about my friend’s wild exploits; it can be funny to live vicariously through her escapades. Lately, though, I find myself feeling a little weird listening to all of my friend’s stories. She has a healthy relationship that is hitting the four year mark quite soon, she has amazing sex with hot dominants on a regular basis, and she still spent fifteen minutes complaining to me a few weeks ago that she had gotten locked out of Tinder.

Given how much sex she’s having, it’s difficult to muster genuine enthusiasm when she tells me about yet another kinky sex partner she met online. I don’t want her to feel like she can’t tell me things, or that I’m resentful of her romantic and sexual success, but I also don’t feel like I’m the best audience lately for some of her tales of debauchery.

How do I navigate this?

Feeling Adequately Gross

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SEXHUMP!

13TH ANNUAL HUMP FILM LINEUP ANNOUNCED!

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We were blown away by the films submitted for HUMP! this year—which the HUMP! Jury very much enjoyed—so it wasn't easy for us to decide which films were going to make it into the festival. We watched the submissions, we argued, we drank, we watched all the submissions again, we sang happy birthday to HUMP's mean lesbian boss, and then we watched all the films one more time. It wasn't easy and we had to cut some films we loved—please submit again next year!—but now we habemus festum and we can't wait to share all these great porn shorts with audiences all over the country!

Check out the trailer...


13th Annual HUMP! Trailer from HUMP! Film Festival on Vimeo.

You'll find a list of the films you'll see at HUMP! 2017 below—along with brief/enigmatic synopses. Audiences in Seattle or Portland will vote for the best films and award $15,000 in prizes to the filmmakers. Some Seattle/Portland screenings are already selling out and we always see a big jump in ticket sales once the trailer is released—so don't wait! Order your tickets now! You can continue reading to learn about the films or you can trust us, order your tickets, and let the filmmakers surprise you! See you at HUMP!

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SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Exiling a Roommate's Ex

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This is a relationship question. My roommate and I are both third-year graduate students at the same school (but different departments). We also went to the same school for undergrad and had some overlapping friends. At the end of undergrad, we found out we were both going to the same school for graduate school so thought it would be perfect to rent an apartment together with another friend of mine. For context, around the same time he was also dumped by his long-term girlfriend. For the longest time he refused to talk about or even acknowledge the existence of his ex-girlfriend. I wanted to respect his privacy and space, so I never brought it up. My roommate’s anxiety was through the roof for a while and all our mutual friends were really concerned for his mental health. Things mellowed out eventually and he seemed to settle into a new routine where he avoided anywhere she may be at all costs. He even got a new girlfriend and is really happy with her. This is where my problem begins.

I had a fantastic experience in undergrad and want to stay in touch with all of the people from undergrad who live in our city. Recently I decided to arrange a get-together with all of us and out of respect included both my roommate and his ex on the email just in case he wanted to come. I anticipated he wouldn’t want to, though, since he had minimal contact with just about everyone from our undergrad. Almost immediately he asked me to take him off all future communications that involved his ex, so I did and went ahead with organizing the meetup. I didn’t think anything of it until today when he revealed that he felt really shitty about the whole thing. He expressed that he felt hurt that I took him off the correspondence and not his ex and said he thought I would have had his back and picked his side in the matter. I said I was sorry and didn’t intend to make him feel that way, but I’m at a loss for what to do now. He said he won’t say I can’t be friends with his ex, but that’s how it came across to me. Does this mean I really do have to pick sides? Should I organize different meet-ups which include him and not his ex? I just don’t know how to handle this.

Befuddled Bostonian

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SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Secondary Partner Feels

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I'm a 25-year-old female currently in a poly relationship with a married man roughly 20 years my senior. This has by far been the best relationship I've ever had. However, something was recently mentioned that has me a bit on edge. We went on a trip with friends to a really great brewery with a great restaurant that was attached to a bakery. It was an amazing place and I'm sure his wife would enjoy it. When he mentioned the place to her the response was NO, she didn't want to go because she didn't want to have "sloppy seconds." It made me feel dirty. Additionally, the way he brushed this off means this isn't the first time. I go out of my way to show him places I think they would like to go to together. I don't know if my feelings are just hurt—if it's as childish as I think it is—or if it's just a reminder of my very low place in their hierarchy.

I hesitate to bring this up because when I have needs or concerns they label me as difficult or needy. Is this part of a bigger trend I'm missing? Should I stop taking him places and avoid the potential conflicts? Should I do anything to address this or just continue to stay out of their business and go where I wish with my partner?

Treated With Outrage

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Second Amendment Supporter Has Second Thoughts

He didn't see the problem when other people's kids got shot to death in Newtown, Connecticut, or when other people's kids, brothers, sisters, and parents got shot to death in Aurora, Colorado, or when a bunch of brown queers got shot to death in Orlando, Florida. It took someone shooting up a stage he himself had been standing on a few hours earlier for him to see the problem:

Caleb Keeter, guitarist for Texas country outfit the Josh Abbott Band, was a self-proclaimed lifelong supporter of Second Amendment rights—until last night. On Sunday, he survived the deadliest mass shooting by a sole gunman in American history. His band played the main stage at the Route 91 Harvest Festival in Las Vegas in the mid-afternoon, just hours before a gunman opened fire from a hotel room 32 floors above the crowd. At least 58 people were killed, and more than 500 others were injured. Thousands more witnessed the carnage up-close as they ran to safety. Keeter was among the thousands. On Monday morning, he tweeted a message: “I’ve been a proponent of the 2nd amendment my entire life,” he wrote. “Until the events of last night. I cannot express how wrong I was.”

I'm a big proponent of not endlessly lecturing people who've come around on your issues—I think the left should lead with, "Now that you're here," rather than, "Where have you been?"—but Jesus Fucking Christ. The inability of Republicans to imagine what it might be like to be an undocumented immigrant or to be sick and without health care or to be gay or to be trans or to be on the receiving end of gun violence... well, it never ceases to amaze me. So many Republicans and/or cultural conservatives have no moral imagination, no capacity for empathy, no ability to project themselves into someone else's lived experience, no willingness to ask themselves, "How would I feel if that happened to me or to someone I love?"

To be perfectly clear: I'm thrilled Keeter has come around on the issue of gun control and he deserves credit for holding himself accountable:

“We need gun control RIGHT. NOW.” He wrote that his “biggest regret is that I stubbornly didn’t realize it until my brothers on the road and myself were threatened by it.”

But still. It shouldn't take getting shot at personally or seeing your fans get mowed down for someone to see how sick and destructive and costly and evil our gun culture is. This and this should've been enough.

And now... a poem:

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SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Epic of Galsamess

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I am a 41-year-old woman and have a rather long story to tell.

I’ll start at the beginning. I am married and in a failing marriage. I have four kids and have stayed as long as I have largely because of comfort and complacency and so as to not disrupt life for my kids. I met a man on Fetlife at the beginning of March. He was in the same boat. A marriage on the decline looking for something more. We exchanged a bunch of messages on Fet and then moved over to email and eventually an instant messaging app. To say we clicked is the understatement of the century. We are so compatible that it's insane. We got together once we had been talking for a couple of weeks and it was like a bolt of electricity hit us. We kissed and talked and had amazing sex. Hours flew by in what felt like seconds.

We fell in love. Real love. A goddamned fairy tail. Happily ever after stuff. Everything I could have ever hoped and dreamed for. He is my prince charming.

What could possibly go wrong? So, so much. You can keep reading—and reading and reading—after the jump. But abandon dinner plans all who click through here...

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SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: What should he do with the one who got away? How does a unicorn approach a couple in the wild? And what should she do with her ambiguous bi boyfriend? Also: last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

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SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Ambiguous Bi Boyfriend

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I'm in a long distance relationship with a bisexual man with poly tendencies. I have no problem with him being with men because they can provide things I, as a cis woman, can't without the help of toys. (Anything I do to him, I want to feel as well. Sounds kind of selfish, I know, but we figured it out.) But I worry he will hook up with another girl down the road. I've expressed my jealousy problems when it comes to other women but he won't give me a concrete answer on whether or not he'll honor my request of me being the only woman. Should I suck it up, push my worries aside, and place my faith in him? Please help me out.

Feeling Relatively/Entirely Tense

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Good News On HIV Front: Undetectable = Uninfectious

The Centers for Disease Control had this to say released an important "Dear Colleague" letter today:

Scientific advances have shown that antiretroviral therapy (ART) preserves the health of people living with HIV. We also have strong evidence of the prevention effectiveness of ART. When ART results in viral suppression, defined as less than 200 copies/ml or undetectable levels, it prevents sexual HIV transmission. Across three different studies, including thousands of couples and many thousand acts of sex without a condom or pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), no HIV transmissions to an HIV-negative partner were observed when the HIV-positive person was virally suppressed. This means that people who take ART daily as prescribed and achieve and maintain an undetectable viral load have effectively no risk of sexually transmitting the virus to an HIV-negative partner.

This means an HIV+ person who is in treatment—they're take their meds—and has an undetectable viral loads can't infect someone with HIV. The statement goes on to note that we need to get more HIV+ people into treatment:

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SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Hard Thing to Overcome

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Hi, Dan—I have such a bummer of a question, sorry. In my Tinder days, I used to love giving blowjobs—including when I met my now boyfriend. Towards the end of that period of my life, though, I was sexually assaulted in a manner that has led to me having really horrible gag reflex reactions whenever I go down now—I’m talking actual vomit essentially every time I try to suck the d now. This is doubly horrible because I want to be able to reciprocate oral, but I also find throwing up extremely upsetting in and of itself—it’s really painful for me, and I end up crying because of it probably 75% of the time. Do you have any idea what I can do?

Very Offensive Mess

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SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Another One That Got Away

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I've got a story about The One that Got Away... and then ten years later showed up again. I really need some advice.

Thirty-year-old gay guy here. Ten years ago on a night out with friends, I met a guy who I felt instant chemistry with. The two of us spent the whole night hanging out/making out. He lived a long way away and was leaving super-early the next morning, so we weren't able to spend the night together. But we exchanged details and stayed in touch.

We were both really into each other, and while we didn't start a long-distance relationship, we did have a pretty close and emotionally intense friendship (all over e-mail, instant messenger, etc.). I tend to fall for guys hard, and this guy felt like the Real Deal, so I was coming on pretty strong. Too strong—I was pushing for something he didn't feel ready for. To make matters worse, he and I both went through a pretty rough depression at this time. After a year of emotional rollercoasters, we finally had a falling out and fell out of touch. I knew I'd pushed too hard, and was so embarrassed about what I'd done that I didn't want to reach out to him in case it would make things worse.

As time went on, we were no longer facebook friends and I lost all his contact details. But to me he was always "the one that got away"—and it hurt to know it was my out-of-control emotions had caused it. But I took it as a learning experience, cherished the good memories, and moved on.

Fast forward to last month.

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SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Always the Rando, Never the Boyfriend

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I am a 27-year-old gay male living in Seattle. I have been in the hookup scene basically since I was 18 years old. At that time I was hooking up with multiple partners never using a condom. In the year 2016 I decided to keep track of the number of different sexual partners I had, that number at the end of 2016 was 172 different sexual partners only using a condom once or twice. I contacted Gonorrhea and Chlamydia during that time. I used various sources to hook up, Grindr, Scruff, and BBRTS, BBRTS is a website that is for gay men that like BB sex. This year I decided not to keep track and found another website called Sniffies that is also for more of the public scene, however most men on there don’t use condoms.

I am HIV- and been on Prep since March 2016 and I got in every three months to make sure that my kidney and liver functions are all okay and since I am there I get tested for everything else. I just recently tested positive for Chlamydia and gonorrhea again and I find myself sick to my stomach with it all. I take full responsibility for my actions but I just don’t know why I am constantly having multiple partners, and using my extra time all on these hookup apps. I feel like I am broken, I want a bf—never had one and never even been close, the only thing I am apparently good at is hooking up.

Please tell me what I should do or what I can do to make myself feel less broken? Is there something wrong with me? I would love some advice on this. Please.

Sick Of Losing Out

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Tickets On Sale NOW for The 13th Annual HUMP! Film Festival!

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If you're wondering why there hasn't been a "Savage Love Letter of the Day" this week—or if you've seen me stumbling around Capitol Hill in a daze—it's because the HUMP! Jury met all day on Monday and Tuesday, watched and re-watched every one of this year's HUMP! submissions, and then locked ourselves in a conference room without food or water until we could finalize the list of films that will be featured at the 13th Annual HUMP! Film Festival.

It wasn't an easy task—there were so many great films to choose from this year! But the list has been finalized, the filmmakers have been notified (a big "hey, congrats!" to those whose films made it in, a sincere "maybe next year!" to those whose films didn't make it in), and the tickets to festival screenings in Seattle and Portland are on sale now! You can get your tickets by going to...

WWW.HUMPFILMFEST.COM.

All the dirty details...

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SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Love Isn't a One-Hit Wonder

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I'm inching up on 49 years old with a girlfriend 20 years younger than me. I was married to another woman for 10 years before we split/divorced (amicably after a little time. She is non-negotiable family for me now. Loved dearly. Totally non-sexual.) Before my ex-wife and shortly after we split, I had an intense relationship with another woman. Let's call her Nina. We were together for two years and separated for two years when I met my ex-wife. The main issue, really the only issue, between me and "Nina" was her fear of commitment. After two years together she couldn't commit. After two years apart, she resurfaced on 9/11, looking for comfort in a dark time. We got together a few times then she disappeared. At the same time I was building a new relationship with the now ex-wife. As my marriage was crumbling for unrelated reasons, I coincidentally reconnected with Nina. She was partnered at the time, essentially married, but the spark was still there between us and we engaged in an affair I'm not proud of for a year before I broke it off when she made clear her intention to marry her partner.

As you can imagine, there are all kinds of details in between that I need not go into. And I had all kinds of personal growth and other relationships after my separation from my ex wife. I maintain an occasional communication with Nina. Though about two years ago she came clean to her wife and promised to cease communication with me.

All of this said, I struggle with the concept of the "love of your life." I feel that Nina is that for me. I get that we will never be together again in the real world and I'm not at all certain that it would be a happy ending if we could. BUT... when I think about life on the whole, she is the one I think of as the "love of my life." So when my current GF asks and says I'm the love of HER life, I just don't know what to say.

Am I a jerk if I tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's not really true? Lying has never been my style. (The affair was a short-term lapse I did not enjoy.) But also, I can't see the good in telling every potential partner that the "Iove of my life" position has been filled and might not change. Or it might. I don't think so, but maybe it could. What are your thoughts?

Only Nina Ever

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