Savage Love Letter of the Day: Start Leveling (With Her Boyfriend) or Keep Lying (To Him, With Other Men)?
by Tuesday at 2:00 pm•
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Longtime listener, first-time writer. I'm a 31-year-old queer female writing to you from
New Zealand because I want to stop being an asshole. When it comes to sex, I’m addicted to the thrill of the chase but I struggle to maintain a lasting relationship beyond that. I’ve been with my current partner for three years but it’s been an up and down kind of a ride due to various reasons and I've also slept with 14 other people in that time without his knowledge. I’ve never had a relationship where I haven’t cheated and I’ve never dated someone who can keep up with my libido. The thing is that when I do get laid, I don’t want it to last long because it’s really only the thrill of the chase that I’m into.
My current situation suits me fine. I have a pretty good relationship and when I’m feeling like I need the thrill of the chase I’ll go have a one night stand with someone and that keeps me satisfied for a while. It suits me that his happens without my partner’s knowledge and consent because it keeps things nice and simple. I know it’s not fair that he doesn’t know. It would be ideal if he was into cuckolding but I’ve raised this idea with him in the past and he’s not keen. I’ve also raised the idea of being more open/swinging and he seemed to like the idea of that, but I do wonder if any of these things are going to damage his self-esteem. He knows that I have a higher libido than him and that I’ll happily fuck him whenever he’s keen, but if I tell him that I want to fuck other guys too won’t that make him feel inadequate? He’s not super confident and that actually causes a little bit of a problem for us in the bedroom room because he can’t make eye contact during sex and so I don’t feel connected to him. I worry if I come clean about my sexual desires and how I have/would like to keep servicing my needs, it’s going to eat away at him. He’s the sort of guy that might agree to something but wouldn’t communicate his pain until it hit boiling point. So it would be easier if I kept it all secret. But that’s not morally sound.
I know that an answer to this might be “break up with your partner and find someone who’s into cuckolding” but that won’t be easy in a county with a small population and relatively conservative attitudes towards sex. So my questions are:
1. How do you ask your partner to let you fuck someone else without it damaging their self esteem?
2. Is there a name for someone who’s addicted to the thrill of the chase?
Could Unveiling Cuck Kink Entirely Distress Her Insecure Man?
P.S. If we were to open things up I think I’d be OK with my partner fucking other people too.