Ryan Alexander-Tanner

THE SPECIAL SESSION of the Oregon Legislature has ended—all 35 days of it—and they won't be meeting again until next year. Some bills about cannabis moved through the legislative process, made none the easier by Republicans being childish dicks and slowing down things by forcing Democrats to read aloud every bill. (Guess which party drinks, and which one smokes weed.)

What passed? I was prepared to write an entire column answering that question, but it turns out my cannabis columnist colleague Vince Sliwoski has already written a fine rundown, because great pot minds think alike. Check out his write-up in last week's Mercury ["Ask a Pot Lawyer," March 9].

But what about the bills that didn't pass? Some excellent legislation died a slow death on the floors of the House and Senate. So turn your eyes to the heavens, and pour some bong water on the ground for the fallen:

Senate Bill 420—Whoo! Check out the bill number! That's crazy! I have no idea what it was about, but dude, I totes woulda voted the fuck out of that bill. Because, you know, 420. Like the weed thing. So cool.

SB 1468—This bill would officially require anyone smoking a joint to pass the dutchie on the left hand side, as it is gonna burn, thus requiring you to give me music to make me jump and prance. And when it is done, then you must give me the music that will make me rock in the dance. The Oregon Liquor Control Commission was concerned about all of this dancing and prancing, and the sort of message it would send to our young people.

House Bill OICU812—This bill would have outlawed stupid canna puns. Had it passed, I would have been out of a job.

HB 4697—AKA the "Satan's Piss" Bill. It would have imposed a fine of $250 on anyone who never changes the bong water. Economists calculated it would have brought in $15.7 million in revenue every year, and saved countless chairs, couches, and carpets from needing to be incinerated.

HB 7513—This "Camping Ban" Bill would have removed anyone from the smoking circle who camps on the smoking device, often while sharing a story with no real value or point, instead of passing said device. It's called "Puff Puff Pass," not "Puff Puff Ramble on for 20 Minutes About Cute Things Your Cat Does."

SB 1977—The "Get Over Yourself" Bill would have fined Instagram and Facebook users who post videos of themselves smoking a dab several times a week. Because really—enough. What are you hoping to achieve by posting this? Do you think you are the first person to ever do so? Do you think people are going to be blown away that you're smoking a bean-sized glob of concentrate? Do you know why there aren't more videos of people drinking a beer? Because no... one... cares, Nancy Narcissist.

HB 2765—Called the "Pre-Roll Transparency Act," this bill would have imposed an increasing series of penalties upon dispensaries that sell pre-rolled joints filled with shake and trim. Do your customers want to buy a quarter ounce of shake and trim? What? They don't? That's because no one wants to smoke that weak-ass shit. Maybe next you can sell me "handmade hash," made from resin scrapings of well-used bongs?

SB 3360—This one just missed passage. Known as the "Bragging Bro Buster" Bill, it would have allowed authorities to seize the stash of anyone who looks at your weed and dismissively smirks, "That stuff looks decent, but check out my buds, bro," then proceeds to bore you senseless with a 20-minute explanation of how he hand-selects each microbe that goes in his special Fijian secret formula tea, which he only feeds the plants while blasting Tuvan throat-singing tracks during certain cycles of the moon. No one cares if your flower tests at 65 percent THC. Go far, far away.

HB 1969—Known as the "Monster Truck of Vapes" Bill, this would have required anyone using a lightsaber-sized vape to present positive proof that there is no inverse size relation to their penis and their vape.