As of this writing, Republican nominee Donald Trump is trailing rival Hillary Clinton by double digits in the presidential race. Even revered statistician Nate Silver says if the election were to be held right now, Clinton has a 86 percent chance of winning. So we have to ask the question: Is there anything Donald Trump could do to win? As it turns out, the following tips are his last and only hope. Unless he starts implementing each and every one of these words of advice into his current campaign, he can kiss his chances (and bright orange ass) goodbye.
DONALD TRUMP, HERE’S HOW YOU CAN WIN:
• Have someone hit you on the head with a frying pan. Then wake up and claim you were brainwashed by the Koch brothers into saying divisive, racist things. Apologize profusely, buy six hours of network airtime, and show Beyoncé’s Lemonade on repeat.
• Hire a bird to land on your podium.
• Promise to build a wall—between yourself and the rest of Earth... on the moon.
• Realize that uneducated white men no longer make up the majority of this country, and get rid of that stupid hat.
• Declare that when you’re elected president, every Friday will be “Free Choco Taco Day.”
• Fire Mike Pence, and choose the entire US Olympic gymnastics team as your running mate.
• Say, “Well at least I’m not as bad as Martin Shkreli,” and then slap the motherfucking shit out of Martin Shkreli.
• Pay J.K. Rowling whatever it takes to write another Harry Potter book.
• Promise that, if you’re elected, you’ll dismantle the entirety of the Republican Congress, and throw yourself face first into a wood chipper.
• See if you can be elected president of Russia. They seem to like you over there.
• Buy an uninhabited island, and proclaim it a sovereign nation. Hold a presidential election where you’re the only voter. Repeat every four years.
• Turn the state of Florida into one gigantic Red Lobster.
• Claim you were mistaken, and that actually, Taylor Swift is the founder of ISIS.
• Claim you were mistaken, and that actually, the “Second Amendment people” are a bunch of cowards who should melt their guns.
• Claim you were mistaken, and that actually, you’re not at all qualified to be president, and if elected, you’ll step aside and let Elizabeth Warren run things.