Ryan Alexander-Tanner

[Today on C-SPAN: The daily White House briefing. Standing in today for White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is the Incredible Hulk.]

HULK: [To room of shouting reporters] Gahh! Why puny reporters screaming already? Shut up or HULK SMASH!! [Crowd quiets] Okay, Hulk start with puny reporter in first row.

JENNA JOHNSON, WASHINGTON POST: Umm... why are you here?

HULK: Really?? Puny reporter start with existential question? This job am already bullshit!!

JOHNSON: No, I mean... where’s Press Secretary Spicer?

HULK: Oh. OH! Heh-heh, Hulk get it now. Puny Spicer tell Trump him need “mental health day”—so Trump throw him in asylum and hire Hulk. Next puny question!

GLENN THRUSH, NEW YORK TIMES: About President Trump’s recent wiretapping claims—should we assume he’s currently under investigation?

HULK: You know what puny humans say: When puny humans “assume” it makes an “ass” out of “puny humans” and “Hulk!” Next question.

THRUSH: But... you didn’t answer that one!

HULK: PUNY THRUSH SIT DOWN OR HULK SMASH RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! [Thrush sits.] Next question.

JIM ACOSTA, CNN: Can you explain the difference between Obamacare and the GOP health-care bill?

HULK: Look. Let Hulk put it into language puny dumb reporters can understand: Trumpcare... IT AM BIG AND POWERFUL LIKE HULK! Obamacare... it teeny-tiny puny like Ant-Man. And Glenn Thrush from New York Times am drunk like drunk Tony Stark!

THRUSH: Heyyy!

HULK: Heh-heh. Now Hulk take question from puny newspaper that am nice to Hulk. You!

J. JONAH JAMESON, DAILY BUGLE: Does President Trump agree that Spider-Man is a menace to society?

HULK: Not like Muslims am—but yeah. Next question!

TAMARA KEITH, NPR: Why can’t we get a straight answer about the Russia question?

HULK: Because what happened between Hulk and Black Widow am none of puny human’s business, OKAY?!? Fine! She left Hulk, OKAY?!? Am puny reporters satisfied?? Black Widow leave because Hulk supposedly “not in touch” with Hulk “feelings,” OKAY?!? Well, Hulk in touch with Hulk feeling now! Because HULK GOING TO SMASH PUNY REPORTERS RAAAAAAHHHH—....

[C-SPAN is currently experiencing technical difficulties. We now switch over to Russian network RT News, already in progress.]