Jeremy Eaton

TO THE SHORTSIGHTED EXECUTIVES AT FOX STUDIOS:

Hello. In case you do not know who is writing this letter, prepare to pee-stain those fancy Armani trousers--because I am Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, author of America's most prestigious column, I Love Television™!!! Now. It has come to my attention that your studio is filming a remake of Planet of the Apes, and you are letting that weirdo bundt cake who looks like the lead singer from the Cure, Tim Burton, direct it. Yes, he is a hack but that is an argument for another day. HOWEVER! It has also come to my attention that Burton wanted to include a human/monkey love scene featuring the groinally enhanced Marky Mark Wahlberg and an ape-suit-wearing Helena Bonham Carter--and you assholes POOH-POOHED IT!

I find your anti-simianism completely unacceptable! Do you think the scene would be construed as giving the thumbs-up to bestiality? Well--you're dumb! As far as I'm concerned, it's not bestiality if the beast in question is able to say, "Honey. Honey. You're not doing it right! Slow down now speed up! I said, speed up! And stop twisting those!"

But don't take my word for it! I recently invited my immense readership to participate in what I like to call the "I Love Television™ Poll of Outrage™!" Here my readers offered their opinions on whether or not Marky Mark and Helena Bonham Orangutan should bend over and give each other a monkey pot pie. And guess what?? Every last one of them agreed that I am absolutely RIGHT, and YOU are absolutely STOOPID. Okay, all of them except Sarah, who's mad at me for insulting that pasty-faced ding-dong Tim Burton, and someone named "Mr. Calf," who thinks that some people may be stupid enough to imitate what they see in the movie, hop over the fence at the zoo, and get their arms ripped off when they try to play "rub-a-dub dolly" with an 800-pound silverback. Not a bad point, but since it will not help me win my argument, it is hereby IGNORED!

But! As Seth (from Brooklyn, NY) succinctly notes: "As a guy who goes out with a grad student, I can tell you that humans descended from monkeys! Or something. And if monkeys hadn't been doin' the do, we wouldn't be here at all! How would FOX executives like THAT?" Yeah!! Who'd pay to see your stupid movie then?

Or how about this mentally impenetrable argument from I Love Television™ reader James, who rightly points out, "If those people on Star Trek can have sex with fish-looking people, then Mr. Funky Bunch should be able to have sex with monkey-looking people--except for maybe Tara Lipinski." THANK you, James. I completely concur. Tara Lipinski is gross.

So, Fancy-Pantsy FOX executives! As you can undoubtedly see, I am right, YOU are wrong, and America DEMANDS its hot 'n' hairy monkey love! And if you still decide not to include the scene? I Love Television™ readers will be forced to see Planet of the Apes only ONCE, and buy only a couple of the action figures! So put THAT in your stinky prosthetic monkey butt and PUFF IT!!