Satan
So I'm standing on my friend's porch the other morning in North Portland and I see this dude approaching. Although he appeared to be moderately horny (trust me, I can gauge these things), I figured I was safe considering I was wearing old jeans and a little T-shirt. Plus it was like, 8 o'clock in the morning, far too early for any hanky panky on the street. So as the guy walks by he says, "It's cold out here, you need a coat." I smiled and agreed. No cause for alarm, right? He continued walking but stopped after a few steps and turned around. His eyes made their way down to my breasts and he exclaimed, "Damn!" I still wasn't phased; many a passerby has been so linguistically paralyzed at the sight of my magnificent bustline that they are unable to utter anything but swears. "Those look great!" he said, and I merely thanked him, being as I was in an unusually buoyant mood. However, I was little prepared for what I heard next.

"Can I kiss them?" he asked.

Um, eeew? Now, I don't know about all you 10-cent hussies, but a good church girl like me isn't about to show her ta-tas to anyone who asks. I mean, what are you boys thinking? That I'm going to say yes?

Sadly, it is not only strangers who have made such conversational blunders. How can I forget my high school sweetheart, who referred to my nipples as "innies" after a hot shower? And of course there was that boy who begged me to jump up and down so he could watch my boobs bounce while he compulsively grabbed his crotch. You can bet that turned me on. I have also been asked to insert a number of things up myerr birth canal, including, but not limited to: action figures, hard candy, drumsticks, and various pieces of large fruit. And no, they didn't even think to bring any KY. Tsk tsk.

I was most scarred when, at the tender age of 17, I wound up in a parked car with a boy who told me my boobs were "really soft." In a bad way. Ouch. Did I mention that he had the tiniest little Chihuahua penis I had ever encountered? No, 'cause I've got a little thing called tact. Might want to look into that, boys. Usually comes in a twin-pack with something called maturity. You may have heard of it.