THE HIPPIE REPORT

by Special Hippie Correspondent Chelsea Cain

SALEM, OR--Supporters of Prop 69, commonly known as the "hippie tax," announced today they have enough signatures to place their measure on the November ballot.

The hippie tax would add a 4 percent tax to all hippie goods sold in the state of Oregon, with the profits going to support hippie preservation programs. These programs would seek to save the hippie through the protection of their natural habitat, but would also encourage assimilation through job training and life skills classes.

Proposed taxable items include patchouli, hacky sacks, smoking accessories, and pre-1980 Volkswagens.

Proponents of the tax claim that funding is essential if the hippies (on the endangered subcultures list since 1985) are to survive. Opponents claim it is unrealistic to think a hippie could ever be taught to balance a checkbook. The hippies themselves, many of whom have spent months gathering signatures outside of co-ops across the state, support the measure, though seemed strangely perplexed when asked to comment.

"What hippie tax?" asked one signature gatherer.