DIAGNOSIS: Murdered Squirrel!
This Episode: Goodbye, Cruel Squirrel!
A Dr. Dick Van Dyke Mystery
It was like a beautiful dream come true. Dr. Scott Baio and I were taking a splendid vacation on the Orient Express--an opulent train trip winding from Peking to the southeastern mountains of China. However, just as we were toasting our good fortune with a snifter of brandy, the train slammed on its brakes with a terrifying squeal that sent the chiseled body of Dr. Scott Baio into my arms. Then, just as suddenly, the train backed up a few yards and stopped. "Jeepers!" young Baio yelped, "What's going on?" "I'm not sure," I said, cupping his tight buttocks. "Let's investigate!"
Climbing down from the train, we noticed a group of people gathering in front of the engine. Pushing our way to the front of the crowd, we saw what all the commotion was about. Lying stiffly on the tracks was a dead squirrel with a snapped neck. The train's engineer, who was practically hysterical, was describing the accident to the train detective, Chow Fat Fung: "I swear, I didn't even see him! It was like he suddenly just leapt out of nowhere, and fell down on the tracks! I tried to stop!! Oh, GOD! I tried to stop!!" "There, there, Engineer-san," Chow said. "This obviously a suicide." "Oh, is it?" I interrupted. "Ah, the famous American doctor detective, Van Dyke." Chow said while tipping his hat. "And this must be sexy assistant, Baio-san." "Indeed it is!" I retorted. "And if you think this dead squirrel was a suicide, then you're full of fish-heads and rice, Chow Fat Fung! Because this is an obvious case of MURDER!"
How did Dick Van-Dyke-san know the squirrel had been murdered? For the exciting answer to today's mystery, go pick up a paper and turn to page 36!