I know, right? Once again, more of that famous Portland bicthing & whining. Boo hoo, your poor baby! Want mama to kiss your boo boo & make it better?

So, how were you able to type this with such a fucked-up hand?

Dear Mercury,

I know it's hard to say good-bye, but it's time to put I, Anonymous to sleep.

Sincerely,

A Friend

bring back the fist bump!

I don't like shaking hands because of sneeze germs!

This was really the best you could come up with? Really? Jeez talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel. Try again next week.

Handshakes are a nasty form of greeting. The human hand, like a dog's muzzle, will touch anything. I'm not a germaphobe, but hell if I want to chance becoming vicariously acquainted with your ass crack. And, yeah, the associated alpha male aspect is pretty disgusting. I don't care how firm your handshake is, cowboy, and I rather not have my paw crushed in your sweaty vice grip so that you can accomplish some sort of primitive dominance mounting ritual.

This is the lamest I,Anon ever. You're complaining that someone shook your hand too hard? Fucking idiot.

If you shake hands properly....yes reach your little paw out and place firmly it and confidently into the hand of the other person and pump once now. Now twice. And release. See. If you do it right they won't be able to crush your hand.

If you offer a limp, tentative hand or you pull back at the last second you will get your widdle fingers cwushed.

Find a four year old to practice with. They won't leave as many bruises.

@ The Showstopper
Wow, you are a really sad, angry little fool! awesome.

Replace I, Anonymous with WORST NIGHT EVER! DO IT ALREADY! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SUBJECT ALL OF THE STAFF TO TORTURE!

Okay I'm done now.

@MrFabulous, nah, the Merc should replace it with Drunk of the Week. Kelly O likes us better than Seattle anyway:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/drunk-o…

I'm all for hugs, myself. You can even hug another bro without it being at all gay. They do it on the East Coast & in the South all the time. I've noticed folks here in the NW are just waay too impersonal & afraid to come into anysort of physical contact with other people.

Then again, alotta folks here (guys & ladies) seem to have an issue with using deoderant.

anon, you sound really fun to be around.

He/She probably has plenty of practice typing one handed while on the comp and jerking off.

I agree with Jacob... you should have said something right then "Jeez He-man, you've got quite the grip there.. is She-Ra not putting out? so you havta have a death grip on your dick from now on. You aren't masturbating my hand, so let go!"

That way you bash both of them at the same time :D

To the germaphobes above: my favorites are the petitioners downtown trying to get signatures. Someone told them that starting with a handshake is a great opener, so they stick it out as soon as they see you coming. But I'm only downtown on a Saturday afternoon because I'm about to eat lunch...and just how many hundreds of people have they shook with before me?! Did they ALL just wash their hands? Because the petitioner sure hasn't.

I'll put my hands in my pockets and smile politely, but every single time they look at me like I just kicked a baby. They just can't imagine why someone wouldn't want to shake a stranger's hand, downtown....

What I don't understand is how do stitches factor into this?

@cheetoface maybe the other person is a werewolf.

HTFU nancy-pants

Cripes, I'm a woman and even I know how to shake a man's hand so you don't get hurt.

The area where the thump joins the index finger is called something, let's call it the thumb-pit. When you begin the handshake make sure your thumb-pit is firmly into his thumb-pit. As you grasp his hand keep your thumb-pit firmly nestled into his. No matter how hard he squeezes he can not hurt you. Try this at home, first with your girlfriend and later with another man, you wuss.

For all those germaphobes, when someone goes to shake your hand, grab his arm just above the wrist as he grabs yours then procede normally. Explain it is cold and flu season and everyone will think you're so cool you must have recently visited New York or something.

I disagree the mercury wouldn't be the same without "I, anonymous" :)