Dear Asshole Bassist:
You ridiculed my band after we opened for you, even though we drew a large crowd of our friends who all paid the cover charge. Furthermore, your set sucked and your playing sucked, but your bass was beautiful. It looked good, it sounded great and it had class, unlike you. Unfortunately for you, you didn't remember the party at your place that I went to, where you were too drunk to stand up straight and where you showed off your great new bass. And if you did remember it, I bet you never thought I'd liberate your instrument from your mediocrity. That's right, I took your bass. And don't think you'll find it in a pawnshop somewhere, that baby's mine for good.
p.s. Just because you keep your bass in sixth-dimensional space doesn't mean it's any safer than a closet.--Anonymous