Kalah Allen
To My Friend, Who Sucks his Teeth

I spend a lot of time with you. At first you just sucked your teeth while you were dining, but then it became some sort of sadistic hobby. I AM NOT A MASOCHIST! I do NOT need to hear your nervous energy manifest itself in the form of wet "thwips" every six seconds. For every hour I spend with you, I must endure 600 "thwips!" That is equal to over 1000 "thwips" every two hours! Let me explain something to you, tooth-sucker. You are no longer an infant, and the atmosphere is not your mother's breast. It will yield no milk, no matter how hard you apply your oral vacuum to it. You are probably lactose intolerant anyway. Please refrain from this heinous act before I am forced to stop you. I do understand that while chewing cubed steak, everyone makes strange sounds. Please stop. Before I die.--Anonymous