Kalah Allen
To My Horrible Roommate

People as gross as you should not be allowed to have sex. Clearly, you have loud sex not because you are into it, but because you have something to prove. One morning, you burst into the kitchen to announce "Sorry if we kept you up last night--We were really rockin!" Okay, I'm gonna be sick. First of all, you DIDN'T keep me up, and I would have been MUCH happier NOT knowing that you had been making disgusting love last night. There is no need to spread that diseased knowledge around. Even if I had heard you, I do not want to discuss it the next morning over a steaming bowl of oatmeal and melted brown sugar. Here is something else you actually said out loud: "My boyfriend is an idiot and annoys the hell out of me. I would dump him in a second if he didn't fuck me so good." VOMIT!! May the earth rend itself open and swallow your unworthy soul into its flaming bowels to be slowly shat into what will surely be a gloriously dark and painful afterlife. I hate living with you. You suck.--Anonymous