You fucking slut. You fucking piggy-tailed bitch. What made you think that it was cool for you to steal my vintage E.T. stocking cap? Sure, I suppose I was drunk, but is that any reason for you to take one of my most prized possessions? I pray to God, Allah, and every other fucking entity to wreak havoc on your sorry ass, and not any of that small shit either, I'm talking about fire and brimstone, you cunt. I can picture you now, after the incident, crawling home with some guy's cock in your mouth and my priceless hat covering your stupid fucking pigtails. You think you have one up on me. Well, let me tell you, I've still got mesh, bitch. That's right, I still have an old skool E.T. mesh baseball cap that I wear with pride. I have let my peeps know, and we all have our eyes peeled. So next time, be careful whose cock you take home. It might be your last. --I, Anonymous
E.T. Phone Cops!
The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.