Kalah Allen
I'm a cook at a local grocery here in Portland who makes the "woks" that a lot of you customers construct from the salad/wok bar. It's a decent gig and mostly enjoyable, yet there are some things that need to stop. First, don't make your wok so fucking huge. You really are just compromising quality, and you look sort of greedy.

Never put Parmesan or cottage cheese in the wok bowl—it burns and sticks in the pan, every time! Put it on top as a garnish when it's done, stoney pony. Heat is on a scale of one to five. Why do you pick 3.75? Pick a four and toughen up, candy ass. Also, when ordering said wok, don't try and get cute and say things like, "Let's do the teriyaki sauce." "We" are not eating this together. It's not clever when you put annoying names for me to call out when it's finished ("Dick Beninya," "Lou Sassoe"). And lastly, if you notice 10 people ahead of you, be prepared to wait a bit before adopting that huffy stance usually reserved for your indierock shows. Bone ape a tit!—Anonymous