You stole my laptop, and with it, the majority of my master's thesis. Due in a few short months, it would have also been my first book. Can we just get together and you can stand by while I save my hard drive to CD and then let you steal it again? I'll even give you a reward for this, no questions asked. Afterwards, I'll make a savory dinner, and we can toast your silly prank. Ha! It'll be a hoot! All you have to do is bring it back. If you don't want to, I understand. Just know that I'm two seconds from cracking, and when I do I'm going to rain a curse on you and your children's children like nothing Wes Craven ever dreamed. Know that everything bad that happens to you from this day forward will be somehow linked to this horrible wrong--that my entire life as a derailed academic will be spent looking for a name to match the crime. And when I find it I'll wait for your death and shit on your grave while your family watches. Or, you can just bring my computer back. Please. --Anonymous
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