Kalah Allen

Listen, Portland. Dating is hard enough. Dating online is significantly more difficult. Really, all I want is to find someone whose personality is sufficiently distinctive from a douchebag. Best-case scenario, you will be a non-douche to the extent that I can fuck you without feeling like a sellout. Let me give you a hot tip: If we have gone through the trouble of setting up our own blind date, here are the ways you can ensure you will get laid at the end of the night (may I add, these rules are simple and concrete): (A) We will not discuss your ex. Ever. (B) We will not discuss your mother. If you must (and I mean at-risk-of-physical-peril MUST) bring her up, at least use a pronoun (i.e., "MY" mother). "Mommy" is never acceptable. Follow these two rules and sac up enough to kiss me (with tongue!) at the end of our outing and I can assure you that if we don't get nasty that night, we will most definitely do so at the next possible opportunity.—Anonymous