Kalah Allen
Mojito Muddle

I know summer is here and people crave something refreshing to drink, but for the love of Christ, don't drink a mojito. First of all, it's a bullshit drink. This is Oregon, after all, and the only time Oregonians should drink rum is if they're on an exotic vacation or just having a classic rum and coke. Secondly, if you want a decent mojito, you must understand the labor involved. You have to squeeze, crush, and muddle this trendy drink, which then tastes like rum flavored toothpaste anyway. After all my years of bartending, no drink has ever given me so much sadness and contempt for humanity. I am convinced that if you order mojitos habitually, you have low self-esteem. If you feel you are lacking so much attention that you need to pay a bartender to take the time to construct such a godforsaken cocktail, then you probably should just kill yourself. I've got two words for this summer: "gin" and "tonic." --Anonymous