Kalah Allen

To the parking vigilante: Before getting into my car the other morning, I was greeted by the insult "ASSHOLE" written across my driver's side window in Wite-Out. Accompanying this salutation was your signature saliva stain dripping all the way down the side of my car door. It wasn't the first time you've loogied all over my car. One might ask what I did to deserve such punishment—maybe I fucked your girlfriend, or shit on your doorstep. BUT NO—I parked illegally. No one has ever seemed to mind, including the city and the PPB, about parking on the wrong side of the street in a quiet residential neighborhood. Your ludicrous efforts to uphold the law should not be understated; it's reassuring to know that our neighborhood has a wacked-out roving parking vigilante. I've seen your other victims down our street, who would surely also love to beat you across the head with a massive blunt object. Speaking for all the people who have had to scrub your vile spit and Wite-Out off our cars, we'll be watching—and if we catch you, be prepared to spread your legs, bend over, and receive a humiliating kick to your taint.—Anonymous