Jeremy Eaton

And here's another thing I don't like about kids! [If you're just joining us, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey has been ranting about children for the past two and a half days. We join his rant, already in progress.—Editor] Since when did KIDS start dictating how adults should behave? When I was growing up, I was only allowed to join an adult conversation if I was able to speak and act like an adult. These days, kids are whipping around adult cocktail parties riding skateboards, wearing Hawaiian shirts, and screaming, "Cowabunga to the EXTREME, assholes!"

I'm telling you, it's all Whitney Houston's fault! The minute she sang "I believe that children are our future," kids were suddenly given carte blanche to become back-talking smarty-pantses. I wasn't ANYBODY'S "future" when I was growing up—in fact, if the money for my mom's abortion had come through, I would've been the "anti-future."

AND ANOTHER THING! Kids today are given opportunities I never dreamed of as a child. Example? Today I saw a four-year-old wearing an actual LEATHER JACKET! Okay... What the FAWK?!? When I was four, I was lucky if my diaper wasn't dripping with gravy! And dig this: While I had to wait until I was 16 to begin wasting my life as a member of a rock 'n' roll band (Ricky Hitler and the Face Punch Five, perhaps you've heard of us?), kids no older than eight or nine are now allowed to attend the famous School of Rock, the Rock 'n' Roll Camp for Girls, and are even featured on a new reality show entitled Gene Simmons' Rock School (debuting Friday, August 19 at 11 pm on VH1). Please tell me—other than crapping their pants and growing pubic hair, what did they do to deserve this?

You may remember Gene Simmons as the fire-spitting, blood-dribbling, obscene tongue-waggling bassist from the heavy-metal-pop band KISS. Well, in this reality show, Gene is sent to an uptight British prep school to teach prim and proper limey children how to RAWK. Easier said than done, especially since these Little Lord Fauntleroys wear uniforms, march around in processions, and study classical music exclusively. The job gets even more difficult when Gene has to whittle the class down in order to put together a band, which by the end of the semester is scheduled to be the opening act for hard-rock legends Motörhead, playing for more than 5,000 screaming metal freaks who eat little English biscuits like these kids for lunch!

The show also explores how the hard-partying Simmons adjusts to a school where everyone including the head master has sticks firmly wedged in their bums. Will Gene be able to teach these ponces how to rock? Will the band be able to write and record their songs in time for the big concert? And will someone please tell this pervert to keep his huge, icky tongue inside his mouth?

Find out the answers to these and other questions in this week's debut of Gene Simmons' Rock School. And as for that well-dressed, leather-jacket wearing four-year-old brat? You may be "the future," but in about 10 minutes I'm gonna whip that ass.