Jeremy Eaton

Looky here, jerkholes! (Not you—I mean those jerkholes over at the networks.) My TiVo can only take so much! See, I appreciate a certain amount of competitiveness between the networks—but scheduling all my fave shows on one night during the same time slot is a VERY STUPID AND DANGEROUS THING TO DO. Oh! And don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about! Does "8 pm" on "Thursdays" ring a bell? I thought so! You've scheduled no less than FIVE terrific shows across from each other, and since you know very well that my TiVo can only handle recording two shows at a time, you're forcing me to make a very difficult choice—one that you're not going to like very much!

In fact, I haven't made a choice this difficult since the time I was forced to pick between attending my first wife's family reunion and banging a coed threesome in the back of a limousine. (Which did I choose? Well... there's a reason I call her "my first wife.") See? I HATE MAKING CHOICES! And when forced to do so, you can bet your bouncy ass I'm going to punish the ones who put me in this predicament! Let's have a looky-loo at the choices I've been given every Thursday at 8 pm...

CHOICE #1: Alias (ABC). Thanks a pantload, ABC! More than anyone else, I have stuck by Alias—even when it went from being one of the most inventive shows on TV to its current state of floundering plot lines and Jennifer Garner walking around pregnant and fully clothed. This is how you repay my dedication? VERDICT: Season pass—DELETED.

• CHOICE #2: Everybody Hates Chris (UPN). What does UPN think it's doing? Does it really assume it can put its funniest new show up against a powerhouse lineup and emerge victorious? YOU'RE UPN! You're like the Special Olympics of networks! VERDICT: Lucky for you Everybody Hates Chris is such a winner. Season pass—SAVED... for now.

CHOICE #3: Survivor: Guatemala (CBS). For years Survivor has owned this time slot—which means it's time to ship Grampy off to the nursing home. Despite the supposed "wild surprises" that will "change the game forever," it's still a bunch of dirty people figuring out puzzles and balancing on stumps. VERDICT: Season pass—DELETED.

CHOICE #4: Smallville (WB). This is a tough one. Though steadily losing steam over the years, Clark and the gang are now out of high school, and Lex is mere inches away from becoming Adolph Hitler. VERDICT: Since Thursday's showing of Smallville is replayed on Sunday afternoons: Season pass—SAVED.

• CHOICE #5: The O.C. (Fox). Who am I fooling? There is NO WAY I'm deleting this season pass! I still have a massive boner for the high-school shenanigans of Ryan, Seth, Marissa, and Summer—and with the addition of creepy "Seven of Nine" (Jeri Ryan)? Those other competing shows can eat my ass. VERDICT: Season pass—SAVED. (Especially if we get more scenes of Summer whipping off her top!)

• Oh, yeah... there is a CHOICE #6: Joey (NBC). VERDICT: How about the gas chamber?