Jeremy Eaton

Wherever you are, stop whatever it is you're doing and—at this very moment!—leap to your feet, and scream, "I LOVE STEVE GUTTENBERG!" Do it! Do it NOW! Here I go...

I LOVE STEVE GUTTENBERG!!

Okay... so why didn't you do it? Now I feel like a complete asshole because I screamed and you didn't. Are you trying to send me some sort of subliminal message that you DON'T love Steve Guttenberg? Even more chilling, do you even know who Steve Guttenberg IS?!?

Well for your information, Mr. and Ms. Fashionably Ignorant, Steve Guttenberg is only one of the greatest disgraced actors of this generation, appearing in such timeless classics as Police Academy, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, Police Academy 3: Back in Training, and Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. (That Guttenberg is one tenacious motherfucker!) PLUS! Der Guttenberg is also currently appearing in the Police Academy remake, guest starring on my fave teen detective show, Veronica Mars, AND is prominently featured in what could be the most hilariously grueling TV movie ever, a remake of the classic disaster flick The Poseidon Adventure (NBC, Sun Nov 20, 8 pm). Guttenberg is BACK, and as God as my witness, you will LOVE HIM.

And what's not to love, anyway? Unlike the fancy pants stars of today—and I'm talking to YOU, Clooney, Kilmer, and Cruise—Steve Guttenberg can COMMIT to a project. Making 27 sequels to Police Academy? Steve Guttenberg is on board with all that AND the subsequent Broadway musical! Need a star who gives 150 percent even when the film is a box-office abortion waiting to happen? Call Steve Guttenberg—he'll act the shit out of it!!

And I'm completely confident The Poseidon Adventure will be nothing less than another Guttenberg slam dunk. In this TV remake, the humongous S.S. Poseidon is plugging along when... KER-BLOOEY! Some asshole terrorist bombs the ship. (Yes, this is a departure from the original version where a tidal wave rocks the boat—but C'MON. A mere tidal wave couldn't ruffle the rakishly handsome hair of a legend like Steve Guttenberg.) Anyhoo, the ship flips, and a stellar cast of has-beens—including Rutger Hauer, Peter Weller, Adam Baldwin, and (EEEEEEE!) C. Thomas Howell—fight their way to safety, and the best paycheck they've seen since that infomercial they were offered last year.

Ahhhh, but the meatiest role has obviously been given to Guttenberg, who plays Richard Clarke, a man torn between saving his wife and child and rescuing that sweet piece of poontang he's been banging on the side. I can just imagine the casting director crying, "Who can we possibly get that can take on the emotional complexity of such a role? Wait... what am I thinking? GET ME GUTTENBERG!"

Get me Guttenberg indeed. Actor, director, celebrity, philanthropist: Steve Guttenberg is the snowy peak that most performers can only dream of climbing. That's why I must DEMAND that you join me in loudly proclaiming...

I LOVE STEVE GUTTENBERG!!!

Okay... apparently I haven't convinced you. (TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK, AND EVERY WEEK AFTERWARD UNTIL YOU JOIN ME IN SCREAMING, "I LOVE STEVE GUTTENBERG!")