If you're a fan of Arrested Development, you've probably got blood squirting out of your nose over the recent decision to bench TV's best comedy. I mean, C'MON!! What are these idiots at Fox thinking?! It's like giving someone the most delicious sandwich in the world, and then saying, "You know, instead of giving you this sandwich, I think I'm going to spit on it and hide it forever inside my pants."
Fortunately, there's somewhat of a silver lining (albeit a silver lining that's been spit on and stuck inside a flatulent Fox executive's pants). Arrested Development hasn't been officially "cancelled"—it's been "cut back" from 22 to 13 episodes. The remaining episodes start up again on Monday, December 5. "Hold on there, Humpy!" I hear you cry. "Isn't being 'cut back' just asshole lingo for being cancelled?" Mmmm... probably. But remember, AD was also cut from 22 episodes to 18 last season, yet was brought back in the fall. However, Development also had an average of 6 million viewers last year, as opposed to this season's paltry 4 million.
"BUT THOSE OTHER 294,734,134 PEOPLE IN AMERICA ARE ASSHOLES," I hear you cry. "THEY VOTED FOR BUSH, THEY'RE FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS, AND I HATE THEM, HATE THEM, HATE THEM!!" Okay, first of all, stop yelling at me. I probably love Arrested Development more than you (if possible), but facts are facts and here's the one truth you should always remember: Fox executives don't give two shits about your feelings, Bush's feelings, or Jesus' feelings. They want cash in their pockets, and entertaining you comes in a distant third. (Fun fact: Snorting blow off the bellies of prostitutes is number two.)
Unfortunately, it's Fox's own internal incompetence that's shooting them in the foot. There's some hee-larious behind-the-scenes footage of AD's David Cross (Tobias) ranting about the Fox marketing department at http://media.putfile.com/David-Cross-Rant. But for those of you who hate the internet, here's what he said:
"I got an idea—why don't you fucking fire your complete marketing team, and get a new one that knows how to market a show that won five motherfucking Emmys, Golden Globes, SAG awards, WTA awards, Producer's Guild awards, critics top 10 list. You know, if you can't market that kind of show and get better ratings then maybe the problem doesn't lie here [with the show]. Maybe it lies with marketing. Goodnight."
What's even better about this speech is that he screamed the whole thing while wearing a bra (you gotta see it to believe it).
Anyhoo, while rumors swirl that Showtime may eventually pick up the series, only seven people in America get Showtime—so how does that fawking help me? Your best shot is to get every last person you know to start watching Arrested Development when it returns on December 5, AS WELL AS writing the man himself, Fox Entertainment President Peter Liguori (10201 West Pico Boulevard, Building 100, Room 4450, Los Angeles, CA 90035). Remind him that providing intelligent, quality entertainment should always be job number ONE. (But you can agree with him that snorting coke off the bellies of prostitutes comes in a close second.)