Apparently, I'm an asshole. In last week's I Love Television™, I angered a lot of people when I hinted that God might be: (1) dumb, (2) gay, (3) sexist, and (4) a hater of underpants and fun-bags. (I'm not going to repeat what I said. When you miss I Love Television™, you deserve every ounce of confusion and misery that's coming to you.) Anyway, I have since been inundated with emails (written in all-caps) from angry Christians casually suggesting that I should beg for God's bountiful mercy and forgiveness, and then take off my pants and walk backward into a rusty set of steak knives.
Now normally I would ridicule or ignore these screeds. However, it's becoming increasingly obvious that this God person has more fans than I do, and I'd better at least feign the appearance of being apologetic, or risk getting my ass kicked by a bunch of holier-than-thou, red-state rednecks. So, FINE. Listen up, because I'm only saying this once.
I am sooooooooo sorry for calling God a fag. Boo-hoo-hoo, what a baaaaaaaaaaad person I am. God's not dumb, He's sooooooooo SMART. Just look at the world around you; God is fawking BRILLIANT. Oh, and He's not sexist, either—because women in the Bible are treated with suuuuuuuuuch respect. God loves fun-bags, He loves underpants, and I'm a disrespectful, Satan-loving mealworm for daring to dispute the sheer AWESOMENESS of that bearded dictator-on-a-cloud, GOD.
Satisfied everybody? Good, because I was being SARCASTIC. HAW! HAW! HAW! Gotcha, do-gooders! In actuality, I really can't stand God, He can't stand me, and so far that arrangement has worked out pretty good for both of us—so why don't all you Christian hillbilly hayseeds go back to your normal, everyday activities (i.e., corn-holing pigs behind the barn)?
WOW. That was really mean. Okay, I admit it. I went too far that time, and I really apologize. No, really! I'm not being sarcastic this time! I'm truly sorry! Oh, great. Now they won't believe me and my email will be clogged up with biblical rants for another week. Okay—how about this? I will spend the rest of this column promoting the most Christian-y show of the week: ABC News Presents a Barbara Walters Special: Heaven—Where Is It? How Do We Get There? (ABC, Tues Dec 20, 9 pm). Wha? Huh? NO, I'M NOT BEING SARCASTIC! That's the real title!
According to Walters, heaven is a "tewiffic" destination spot, and "evewybody" wants to go there. However, "is heaven simpwy a myth dweamed up to give lives meaning, or is it a weal pwace?" To help ABC News get to the bottom of this conundrum, Walters interviews such religious experts as the Dalai Lama, Catholic priests, Jewish rabbis, Islamic extremists, and... RICHARD GERE?? Jeez, in that case, why not interview Ashlee Fawking Simpson??
Sorry... that's sarcasm. Anyway, as a person who sincerely apologizes for accusing Christians of engaging in sexual congress with pigs, I invite all God-fearing people to enjoy this blatant attempt by ABC to boost their ratings by preying on the idiocy of a bunch of numbnut Jesus freaks. And I'm not being sarcastic.