Look! I don't give two poops who Time magazine elects as their "Person of the Year." They could choose a can of Hormel Chili (sans beans) for all I care. In fact, a can of Hormel Chili sounds pretty good right now! (And I'm not just saying that because Hormel Chili pays me $20 every time I mention Hormel Chili's name. Hormel Chili.) See, Time magazine is all, "Ooooh! Look at me! I'm so great and awesome, and that's why I get to decide who gets to be 'person of the year'! And that's why I choose that nappy-looking beanpole Bono, over a delicious can of Hormel Chili!"
Well, the way I see it? If Time magazine can waste editorial space fellating some balding rock star, then I can certainly do some fellating of my own! And with that, I hereby announce my nominations for "Hormel Chili Presents: Humpy's I Love Television™ TV Character of the Year Awards™!" (Presented by Hormel Chili.)
NOMINEE #1: Dewberry from Hell's Kitchen. This pear-shaped lump of a chef was one of the greatest TV reality-show characters of the year—and not just because of his waddling ineptitude in the cooking contest Hell's Kitchen. It was because his ACTUAL NAME is "Dewberry"! I mean, C'MON! There hasn't been a name that appropriate since Dick Cheney!
NOMINEE #2: Chloe from 24. Panic swept the fans of 24 earlier this year, when the spazzy, annoyingly anal Chloe momentarily left the show. But when she came back, it was with a vengeance! Irrationally asked to go to the villain's hideout to steal some computer files, America cheered when Chloe blew that stinkin' terrorist away with a machine gun! YEAH! USA! USA! USA!
NOMINEE #3: Buster, Gob, or George Michael from Arrested Development. Ack! I can never decide! Okay... okay... let's go with... Buster. NO. Gob is funnier. Definitely. Gotta go with... mmmm... but then George Michael is so hilariously subtle! Okay, fine, I'm going with... ohhh... ahhhh... CRAP. Oh, sweet Hormel Chili, can't you help me decide?
NOMINEE #4: Taylor Townsend from The O.C. Ooh, I loves me a scheming shrew. And I especially love one whose sole purpose in life is screwing up the lives of those spoiled brats from The O.C. After Summer caught Taylor tonguing the Dean of Discipline™, Taylor didn't get mad—she got EVEN, coming dangerously close to stealing boyfriend Seth by out-nerding the competition. Mmmm... sexy nerd.
NOMINEE #5: Marguerite Perrin from Trading Spouses. After switching housewife duties with a pagan astrologer, the über-Christian Marguerite Perrin had an on-camera Jesus freakout to end all Jesus freakouts (while occasionally dry-heaving). "Everything's un-GODLY! (gag) She's not a CHRISTIAN!!! (gag) I'm a GOD WARRIOR!!! (gag)" are just a few things she squealed at the camera crew, occasionally dropping a litany of curses including, "Gargoyles!" "Psychics!" and "You're all DARKSIDED!!" Please, if you haven't seen it, go to ifilm.com and search "god warrior." JESUS COMMANDS YOU!! (Gag.)
Oh, who am I fooling? Marguerite Perrin—you are I Love Television's™ TV Character of the Year™! Congratulations, and you can share a steaming bowl of Hormel Chili with me anytime. (Sans gag!)