Apparently, I have a bad reputation with Christians. Almost daily, I receive emails from these people reminding me I'm "going to roast in the eternal fires of damnation," "scream for mercy as Satan tortures my anus with his red-hot poker," and that I would have been better off "being aborted—just so your mother could join you in the eternal fires of damnation." How could I ever hate Christians when they have such awesomely descriptive ways of damning people to hell?
No, I don't hate Christians—I hate Jesus. Okay, FINE. I don't hate "Jesus" per se, I just hate the way backassward people interpret "Jesus." For example, did you know there are TWO Jesus characters wandering around TV shows these days? And both are lily-white HONKIES, even though every intelligent person in the world knows that people from the Bethlehem region are dipped in sweet, sweet chocolate. And as you know, I like my Son of God like I like my coffee—half-decaf mochaccino with whip and sprinkles on top.
But back to Jesus. There are two sons of God being portrayed on TV, and I don't like it! One is in FX's Rescue Me where potty-mouthed comedian Denis Leary plays a pill-poppin' post-9/11 fireman who hallucinates honky Jesus. The second comes courtesy of The Book of Daniel (NBC, Fridays, 10 pm) in which actor Aidan Quinn plays a pill-poppin' Episcopalian priest who also hallucinates a cracker Messiah. Naturally, both Jesuses show up at inopportune moments—like when Denis and Aidan are trying to pop pills—and both Jesuses usually have some "gentle wisdom" to impart, like "stop popping goofballs."
It should be noted that Rescue Me came up with the idea of hallucinating Jesus FIRST—and The Book of Daniel is clearly ripping off the idea, as well as stealing a good amount of material from 7th Heaven. Not only is Aidan Quinn's priest gobbling up pharmaceuticals, but his wife is a lush, his daughter is a dope dealer, his son is gay, and his adopted Asian son is a sex addict. Naturally, this has a lot of tight-ass red-state Christians up in arms—but they see it as blasphemy, while the rest of us correctly identify it as LAZY WRITING.
I mean, if you're going to offend the Christians—and practically everything does anyway—why not go for broke? How about a show entitled, Me, Mary, and Joseph, which is all about a Middle Eastern–colored Jesus who's constantly being hassled for being a suspected terrorist? Plus, he still lives at home with his parents Mary and Joseph, who could be played by George Costanza's parents from Seinfeld. And it turns out Jesus wasn't a virgin birth after all, because his parents are honkies, and when Jesus asks his mom about it, she could say, "JESUS! You're so naive!" And Jesus could pop pills! And hallucinate Denis Leary and Aidan Quinn dropping in to give him advice! And strike up an affair with an Asian male sex addict! (Note to any Christians reading this: Is there anyplace I could be damned besides Hell? Like maybe Idaho?)
THURSDAY, JANUARY 19
8:00 WB SMALLVILLE
Lana and Lex get kidnapped AGAIN. Hopefully by a nudist colony.
9:00 FOX THE O.C.
Marissa's li'l sis—AKA "Mini Cooper"—has returned from boarding school... and she's a WHORE! Yay!
9:00 WB BEAUTY AND THE GEEK
The geeks perform in a karaoke competition, while the gals compete in a political debate.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 20
10:00 NBC BOOK OF DANIEL
Rev. Webster meets a girl who also sees Jesus. I'm telling you, it's a goddamn epidemic!
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
The crew debates whether to abort Boomer's Cylon baby. Bet'cha Jesus won't show up on
SATURDAY, JANUARY 21
8:00 E! FASHION POLICE: GOLDEN GLOBES
Nit-picky naysayers rip apart celebs' ugly clothes! And they deserve it.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 22
8:00 NBC WEST WING
The president and staff hightail it to the bomb shelter when a nuclear reactor threatens to detonate.
MONDAY, JANUARY 23
8:00 FOX SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES
Place your bets now on which D-list has-been gets impaled on their own skate first!
9:00 FOX 24
As the national threat escalates, so does President Logan's marijuana freak-out.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 24
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
More humiliating auditions from the worst singers in the country!
10:00 FX THE SHIELD
Rookie cop Tina gets sent undercover in a sex traffic ring. So many reasons why this is a bad idea.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25
8:00 NBC JAMIE FOXX: UNPREDICTABLE
Clips of Foxx's films, as well as songs from his new album. I've decided not to like him anymore.
9:00 ABC LOST
Charlie has scary dreams about Claire's baby (which involve explosive diarrhea and a leaky diaper).