jeremy eaton

Are you wearing your adult underpants? Well prepare for them to be soiled beyond recognition, because everyone's favorite action/drama, 24, is returning to TV this week! All together now... EEEEEEEEE! (You may now change into dry undergarments.)

All comfy in your new diaper? Good, because you're about to be soiled again! Not only is 24 debuting this Sunday (Jan 14) on Fox at 8 pm with a slam-bang two-hour episode, there's gonna be ANOTHER two-hour episode the following night (Mon Jan 15, 8 pm)! Once again... EEEEEEEEE!!! (Oh, great. Looks like another emergency trip to the drugstore.)

Ehhh, who needs underpants anyway? The important thing is that everybody's favorite guv'ment agent, Jack Bauer (played by Kiefer Sutherland), is back for a sixth season(!) of almost single-handedly saving the planet from annihilation. (You know... he should totally start up his own store in the mall. Then whenever somebody has a planetary annihilation problem that needs to be solved in a day or less, they could stop by Jack's business, which he could call "Forever 24." If I were him, I'd put it right between Hot Topic and Wetzel's Pretzels. Just an idea.)

For those new to this action-packed show, let's quickly recap the last five seasons of 24: BOOOM! "EEEEK!" "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm a terrorist! And I just blew something up!" "Oh, yes? Well, I'm the president, and I'm calling in the Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU)!" "Ring-ring! Hello, you've reached the Counter Terrorism Unit. How may I direct your call?" "Yes! This is the president! There's a terrorist blowing up things, and I need your best agent!" "Gulp... but that's Jack Bauer—and he's kind of psychologically damaged!" BOOOM! "Acck! I've just been assassinated! Get me Bauer, quick!" "Hello, I'm Jack Bauer and though my wife was murdered and my kid hates me, I'm the best in the business—probably because I'm so psychologically damaged! Now, where's this 'terrorist' I've been hearing so much about?" "Here I am, but if you'll excuse me, I'm kind of busy blowing up the world!" "Well, unfortunately for you, I'm Jack Bauer—and I demand to know where you're hiding that bomb!" "As Allah is my witness, I'll never tell!" CRACK! SMACK! BITCH SLAP! "Eeeeeek! It's behind the couch!" "Thanks! Whew, I deactivated that bomb just in time! Now... where was I? Oh, yes..." CRACK! SMACK! BITCH SLAP! "Great Allah! You're killing meeeeeeee!" "HA! That'll teach YOU to F-A-W-K with the U-S-A! Yay, I win again!" Roll credits, rinse, and repeat.

However! In last season's finale, just as he was basking in the glow of bitch slapping another terrorist, Jack Bauer was suddenly kidnapped by the Red Chinese (booooooooo!) and whisked off to some Commie gulag, where he's probably being forced to eat the scabs off his legs and grow an unattractive neck beard. So the way I figure it, either Jack is gonna be busted out in time for the first episode, or he's going to spend the entire season chasing a syphilitic mouse around his cell—which might be funny for a couple of weeks, but that's about it. Quick! Where's my "Free Jack Bauer from the Red Chinese Gulag" T-shirt??