Let's imagine you've got a rare brain disease that makes you spit out obscenities at inopportune moments, strip down to your underpants in public, and sleep with people whom you normally consider unattractive. (Hmmm... this disease is sounding awfully familiar.) Okay, now imagine having the opportunity to take on NFL Heisman Trophy winner Herschel Walker in a game of badminton—and Herschel really SUCKS at badminton. And as long as you're imagining things, imagine this: You are so completely bored with being a white person (and who could blame you?) that you hire a professional make-up person to color your skin so you can pass for black? (Don't forget to take off those Hush Puppies, honky.)
Well! Thanks to the magic of NEW TELEVISION SERIES™, those dreams can now become a reality! It's time once again for TV's "March Madness," when all the networks trot out their mid-season replacements, which replace all the crappy stuff that's already been cancelled! (So long, Emily's Reasons Why Not.) Here are just a few of the shows debuting this week—each designed to make your deepest (and sometimes darkest) fantasies come true!
• Miracle Workers (ABC, debuts Mon March 6, 10 pm). Here's the perfect show for you 46 million people in America without health insurance. A team of expert doctors pick out two poor people a week, and cure whatever's ailing them—FOR FREE! (Kind of like Extreme Makeover for people with gout.) Tears and blood will flow when these generous physicians fix your clubfoot, seeping chest wound, and severe case of the rickets. (You really should have that clubfoot looked at. It's really not sexy when you're dragging it around my bedroom.)
• Pros vs. Joes (Spike, debuts Mon March 6, 10 pm). Some of the biggest names in professional sports retirees—Jerry Rice, Karl Malone, Bo Jackson, Herschel Walker, and more—compete in a variety of sports against slovenly, beer-drinking NOBODIES... like your dad. Howl with glee as your drunken father is knocked on his big fat ass by Herschel Walker in a game of touch football. "HA! That's for calling me 'crybaby loser' when I was seven and struck out in the final inning of the Tee-Ball League Championships. I hate you, daddy! I HATE YOU, HATE YOU, HATE YOU!"
• Black. White. (FX, debuts Wed March 8, 10 pm). News flash! If you are a black person, you are considered "different" than a white person. For example... your food tastes better, your music sounds better, your catch phrases are better, and your asses look better. Not that you don't get your share of "hassles" from "the man"... but c'mon. Your asses really do look awesome. Anyway, leave it to FX to explore this racial dynamic with Black. White.—a new show where professional make-up artists disguise a black family to look like crackers, and vice versa. Plus the two families live together in order to share tips on how to "pass" in public as a Caucasian or African American! (Just in case you're curious, here's a tip for passing as a honky: Get a job reviewing TV shows for an alternative weekly! We put the "HONK" in "honky"!)