jeremy eaton

Though my reputation may lead you to believe otherwise, I do not wish "death" upon anyone. Okay, maybe I do wish death upon Dr. Phil—but C'MON! That balding, pear-shaped dickhole is a blight upon humankind, and needs to have his head shoved into the bottom of a gastrointestinally-challenged donkey. Then, after forcing Dr. Phil to eat his way out, I would administer no less than 75 paper cuts in between his toes, and drop him into a vat of rubbing alcohol and battery acid. But hey! I'm not a cruel man—that's why I would sympathetically and quickly end his life with a jalapeño enema. Does anyone have a fire hose?

Oh, don't you DARE look at me like I'm a jerk! If you've been watching the hit show 24 lately (Fox, Mondays, 9 pm), then you know they've been killing off our fave characters with the gusto of a fat kid guzzling down a can of Hershey's syrup. They've already killed poor President Palmer and hottie former CTU agent Michelle Dessler. And in recent weeks, terrorists have gassed most of the CTU staff out of existence, including chubby comic relief Edgar, and annoying bossman Lynn McGill. But the most shocking death was stud-monkey and former I Love Television™ "TV Character of the Year," Tony Almeida (Carlos Bernard), who was unceremoniously stabbed by that prick Peter Weller (in his best role since RoboCop).

Why the wholesale slaughter? According to 24's exec producer Howard Gordon in TV Guide, "You run out of road with a character and then boom, you've got to clean house. Even our regulars are not immune." THANK YOU, HOWARD GORDON. He knows that TV shows eventually run out of creative juice because producers are too chickenshit to do the right thing and kill off major (and boring) characters. In fact, I can think of a pantload of characters that need to be killed—and the sooner the better! For example...

• Marissa on The O.C. (Fox, Thursdays, 9 pm). Marissa Cooper has got to go! This walking case of postnasal drip has been inadvertently destroying lives on The O.C. since the get-go—and still? Everyone acts like it's not her fault that Ryan keeps getting into trouble, and surfer Johnny was crippled and then hopped off a cliff! O.C. producers: MURDER MARISSA COOPER—BEFORE SHE KILLS AGAIN!

• The entire cast of Grey's Anatomy (ABC, Sundays, 10 pm). Question: For the sweet love of Christ, what do people see in this show?!? Anytime these characters open their stupid mouths, I want to stick a pencil in my eye! And so... they must be stopped! (Maybe 24 can lend the Anatomy producers some of that poison gas?)

• BJ and Tyler from The Amazing Race (CBS, Tuesdays, 10 pm). Okay, so they're not actual "TV characters"—but they are HIPPIES. And I fawking HATE hippies! You can almost smell the patchouli whenever these two longhaired, dope-huffing, Burning Man burnouts make an onscreen appearance. To the producers of The Amazing Race: I will happily help you guys lure these stinky hippies into some sort of unfortunate "accident." In fact, I'll even provide the gastrointestinally-challenged donkey!