It's May! It's May! The rubby-dubby month of May! It's a time of flowers, rebirth, and digging into dresser drawers for my extra-short cut-off jeans. And, it's also the time of May Sweeps, when all the networks reach into their bottomless bag of tricks to WOW US with ratings-grabbing stunts. For example? It's the 650th episode of Cops on May 20! (Or if you can't wait, tune in for the 649th episode on May 13!) On Sunday, May 7, the world's worst comedian, Whoopi Goldberg, guest stars on the world's worst show, Law & Order: Criminal Intent! (Whoops, sorry—Law & Order: SVU is the world's worst show.) And on May 24, this season's American Idol will finally be crowned—and then spend the next four years trying to convince the world he/she is not an asshole.
However! ABC is the clear winner of this year's May Sweeps with the best TV stunt EVER: watching an actual human being drowning! (They sure know how to tug at your heartstrings, don't they?) It's called David Blaine: Drowned Alive (ABC, Mon May 8, 8 pm), and before we go any further, let's talk about this IDIOTIC title, shall we? Naturally, "David Blaine" refers to the popular street magician who roams around New York scaring citizens poopless by levitating and pulling previously memorized cards out of the intestines of a dog. But what's with the "Drowned Alive" tag? I would hope he's alive, because watching a dead person drown is really boring. If you ask me, it should be called David Blaine: Drowned! Or, David Blaine: Oh, Crap! I'm Going to Drown! Or, David Blaine: Glub, Glub... Help, I'm Drowni... Glub! Glub! Glub! Just a suggestion.
Anyhoo, according to the muckety-mucks at ABC, before getting around to actually drowning, Blaine will spend seven days and nights actually living underwater, breathing through a tube in "a specially built human aquarium." Why? I have no earthly idea. All I know is that dude is gonna have some major pee-pee shrinkage.
Then, after showing some pre-recorded clips of Blaine pulling previously memorized cards out of a dying man's brain tumor, the magician will attempt to break the world record for holding his breath underwater—which is eight minutes, 58 seconds. And if ABC is lucky? HE WILL DROWN. Now that's what I call a May Sweeps stunt!
Unfortunately, he probably won't drown, and I'll be more disappointed than the time I missed out on a threesome because one of the girls didn't like the way the other girl's bellybutton smelled. (That was a bummer.) Besides, what's the big deal about holding your breath for a long time anyway? It's not like watching a guy turning blue in a pool for nine minutes beats Jennifer Garner on Alias marching around in her underpants. If they really wanted to do a cool May Sweeps stunt, they would have David Blaine... holding his breath underwater... for nine minutes... WHILE BOXING A KANGAROO.
(You're goddamn right the kangaroo has to hold his breath, too! I'm for giving animals the same exact rights as humans!!)