TV shows are LAZY. That's right—I said it! TV shows are lazy, good-for-nothin', long-haired hippies that need to cut their hair, get off their big fat ass and get BACK TO WORK! Do you think for one second my boss would stand for it if I wrote this column for 22 weeks (or episodes, if you're a TV show) and then suddenly declared, "Well! That's enough for me for one season! I'll see YOU this coming fall!" Believe me, by the end of the business day, I'd be dumpster diving for half-eaten hot dogs. And yet, this week alone, nearly 40 shows are having their "season finales" and will be—for all I know—plopping their lazy b-holes on a beach for the next five months!
THAT AIN'T RIGHT! The way I see it? If I have to stretch myself to the creative limit, producing substandard TV columns week after week until my brain starts seeping out of my ears, then these pee-wipe TV shows can work year round as well! Take for example...
• Smallville (WB, fifth season finale, 8 pm, Thurs May 11). How much effort does it really require to take off your shirt? Practically none! And yet? We're going to have to wait until October for another chance to see Superboy Tom Welling waggle his perky nips. HORSESHIT!
• America's Next Top Model (UPN, sixth season finale, 8 pm, Wed May 17). Models are the laziest, most worthless people ON EARTH (next to Canadians). And apparently, host Tyra Banks thinks we'll be just fine waiting around half a year for a new cast of anorexic bitches to start scratching each others' eyes out. WELL, WE WON'T BE FINE! WE JUST WON'T!
• Grey's Anatomy (ABC, second season finale, 9 pm, Mon May 15). As for you, Grey's Anatomy, take off as much time as you need. In fact, why not take off the rest of my life? What possible justification do you have to exist, other than the hairy chest of Doctor McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey)? Even worse, you're closing out the season with a two-hour episode?? I'd have a better time falling face first into a box of rusty ice picks.
• Law & Order (NBC, 16th season finale, 10 pm, Wed May 17). Holy crap. They've been around for 16 seasons? Look, TV shows are like cats—if they're still alive at the age of 14, the humane thing to do is put a bullet through their head.
• My Name Is Earl & The Office (NBC, first and second season finales, 8:40 pm and 9:20 pm, Thurs May 11). Whoa, whoa... WHOA! What's up with these weird-ass 40-minute episodes starting at 8:40 and 9:20? This ain't China, my friend! If you're a TV show in AMERICA, you come to work on the hour or half hour. And don't think for one second you can pull that lame "But I'm working 10 extra minutes" excuse! Shows in THIS COUNTRY last either 30 or 60 minutes—and if you're going to hang around at work after hours, then you better be doing what I do... surfing porn on the internet!