jeremy eaton

Facts are facts: Teenagers are more interesting than you and I. Teens talk about the latest iPod, whorish colors of eye shadow, and whose booty they intend on "tapping." We talk about mortgage payments, loveless marriages, and erectile dysfunction/vaginal dryness. Teens dress funkier, listen to better music, perform far more sexual dance moves, and when push comes to shove? Make a billion more dollars than the rest of us. (See anyone on the current pop charts for further details.)

So when I reveal to you the following information about the new CW network's upcoming season? You may not give a crap. And that's because you are an uninteresting adult, rather than an interesting teen. In fact, in order to better communicate my information, I will be speaking in top-secret "teen" language that you OLD people are far too "square" to understand. (How did I learn it? From watching American Idol judge Randy Jackson.)

Yo, yo, yo, dawgs! Check it OUT. It's number-one rad dude Wm.™ Steven Humphrey with the dilly-scoopage on what's UP with the CW this fall season. YA HEARD? Now if ya'll ain't up on this, the CW network is an "amalgamation" (yo) of the WB and UPN—two networks who couldn't hang solo, and had to climb up into each others' grillz... like to survive! WORD.

Of course, the new CW ain't feelin' every show produced by WB/UPN, so... CHOP, CHOP, TERIYAKI! Some cuts had to be made. For example, almost any show that featured a person who was OLD or BLACK was "kicked to the curb"—like the WB's Living with Fran and Reba. See... THEY'RE OLD. On the UPN side, you can also say "buh-bye" to Eve, Half & Half, and Cuts... which I assume stars black people. However! Teens are NOT racists, yo. They're "down" with young blacks—which is why the CW is keeping Everybody Hates Chris. HOLLA!

So which shows will be back to represent? Check-check-chikky-chikky-check it: America's Next Top Model, Smallville, Gilmore Girls (who are kinda creaky—but whatevs!), Beauty & the Geek, Supernatural, Veronica Mars, and WWE Smackdown (which also features old people, but it's funny when old people beat the shit out of each other). YOU FEELIN' ME?

But the CW isn't just about kickin' it old-school. They've got two new shows sneakin' up on the down-low! Runaway is about a family of sexy teens who are fighting to prove the innocence of their old and infirm father (played by New Kid on the Block DONNIE WAHLBERG—shit, that dude is so old, he owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp). Next up is Palm Springs, yet another coming-of-age drama about yet another troubled teen played by yet another former cast member of The O.C. (Taylor Handley, who you may remember as krrrr-azy Oliver)! It also stars a bunch of old people no one cares about. CAN I GET A TRUE DAT?

So when you're hittin' up that TV this fall? Don't miss the realest, most illest network that ever refused to hire an old person—the CW! (Legal reminder: Discrimination based on race, religion, gender, or age is against the law... NOT! Oh, no I didn't!)