jeremy eaton

Augghh! What is that cruel glowing orb in the sky? Alas! It is THE SUN, washing my pale, wan skin with its aggravating boiling rays! (No, I have no idea why I'm talking like an 18th-century dandy—there are so many things to worry about, let's just blame the GODDAMN HEAT!) As we know, there are a multitude of reasons to pooh-pooh the sun: (1) It's bright! Every time I stare at the sun, it gets all up in my grill, like, "Wha'choo staring at me for, Mayo-naise? Try a little 'blindness' on for size, bee-yatch!" (2) Skin removal. As you know, I am a proponent of driving in the nude. However, thanks to THE SUN, my vinyl seats heat up somewhere around a bazillion degrees and literally melt the skin off my juicy bits. And, (3) global warming. Sure, everyone blames "pollution," but if there were no sun, there wouldn't be any global warming to complain about—WOULD THERE?

But there are upsides to the sun as well. For example: (1) You taking your clothes off. I like to see you naked, and I find it easier to entice you into such a position when the sun is at its brightest. (2) Me taking my clothes off. You like to see me naked, too, don't you? And you find it easier to entice me into banging you on a picnic table when the sun is hot. And (3) avoiding the sun completely because there's some great television on. There's nothing I enjoy more on a hot summer's eve than watching delightfully trashy tube, while lying spread-eagled in front of an air conditioner and letting the cool, cool air freeze my taint. And this week is especially trashy!

Pee-wee's Playhouse (Mon–Thurs, Cartoon Network, 11 pm). Wow! Get ready for some '80s-style fun, because all 45 episodes of this classic (and mentally warped) kids' show will be prominently featured in the Adult Swim lineup. For the uninitiated, actor Paul Reubens' enfant terrible encouraged kids to engage in all sorts of whacked-out behavior, with a little help from such great character actors as Phil Hartman (Captain Carl), Laurence Fishburne (Cowboy Curtis), and even Jimmy Smits as "the television repairman." However, the show was yanked after Reubens was accused of masturbating in a porno theater. Yo, maybe a brother was just trying to cool off?

Project Runway (Wed, Bravo, 9 pm). Speaking of getting hot, our fave fashion-designer reality show is back for another sexy season. If you've never seen it, this is what all reality shows should aspire to: getting truly talented/driven/eccentric people to design great fashion, thereby teaching the viewer a thing or two in the process. Plus the models are often naked, and therefore "hot." HOT LIKE THE SUN!

Reno 911! (Sun, Comedy Central, 10:30 pm). And speaking of "the sun," if you haven't checked out this hee-larious parody of Cops—well, you should be roasted alive on THE SUN. Reno 911! is an improvised comedy show dealing with the bumbling officers of the Reno sheriff's department and an assortment of shirtless drunks. You'll laugh so hard your frozen taint will crack.