An I Love Television™ reader writes, "Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me: You, sir, are an AGEIST. Though I tend to enjoy your weekly rants on the vagaries of television, I take umbrage with the fact that you belittle older TV stars, such as Ted Danson, Calista Flockhart, and that handsome fellow who plays Matlock. Meanwhile, you show an unhealthy interest in teenage actors such as that shirtless young man from Smallville. In the verbiage of your generation: 'What gives?' Sincerely, Mildred Fleece."
Here's "what gives," grandma—I HATE OLD PEOPLE. And that's because I'm a member of the YOUTH generation, baby! See, the YOUTH generation is all about "digging the scene," and "flippin' the bird" to the "status quo!" That's right, old fogey. Us young people have collectively decided not to live by the rules of our OPPRESSORS (that's YOU, Metamucil breath), and instead, we're going to grow out our hair, live in communes, and walk around with our flys unzipped. Why? Because we let it ALLLLLLLLL HANG OUT!
See... it's all about "freedom"— "dig?" The freedom to make fun of old people (like Matlock) and get sexually horny over a top-nude Tom Welling (that "shirtless young man from Smallville"). That's why this week is especially "groovy"—because our favorite YOUTH generation TV shows are coming back for a brand-new season of topless, post-pubescent action. This Thursday (Sept 28, 8 pm on The CW), Smallville's nipples return, as well as TV's perkiest teen detective drama, Veronica Mars (Tues Oct 3, 9 pm on The CW). Lost also has its season premiere (Wed Oct 4, 9 pm on ABC)... but we don't watch that anymore because—according to the YOUTH generation—looking at nipples over the age of 25 is a real "cop-out." HOWEVER! There are a few new shows that have been given the YOUTH generation's temporary seal of approval, such as...
• UGLY BETTY (Thurs Sept 28, 8 pm on ABC)—While the YOUTH generation may be ageist, we flip ass over head lice for DIVERSITY. And what's more "diverse" than Latinas? Ugly Betty is a dramedy based on a Colombian telenovella (soap opera) about a supposedly ugly secretary who works her way to the top of a snooty fashion mag. Yay upwardly mobile Latinas! But wait—shouldn't the YOUTH generation be concerned that her predecessor was... murdered?!? (Murdering Latinas is racist, FYI.)
• FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (Tues Oct 3, 8 pm on NBC)—Based on the movie of the same name, Friday Night Lights tells the teen angst-y tale of a Texas high school football team... which means what? NUDE TEEN LOCKER ROOM SCENES! HELLOOOOOOOO BUTTOCKS!
• FREAK SHOW (Wed Oct 4, 10:30 pm on Comedy Central)—A cartoon created by David "Arrested Development" Cross, Freak Show is about a squad of super-powered freaks assigned to low-priority tasks by the government. The team includes Tuck and Benny (Siamese twins with the power to separate), Primi (the premature baby who defeats villains with projectile vomit), and "The Bearded Clam" (who, apparently, is able to "shoot blinding bitch juice"). Hmmmm... while the YOUTH generation loves developmentally challenged superheroes, we're pretty sure David Cross just turned 26. So SCREW YOU, grandpa!