jeremy eaton

Professional sports are for idiots. I simply have no other way of putting it. On the other hand, playing sports is a wonderful pastime I endorse wholeheartedly. See, professional sports are stupid because... HEY!! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?? Come back here RIGHT NOW and read the rest of this article! Yes, I agree it's going to be another of my "rambling Andy Rooney–style rants whose sole purpose is to infuriate and make one throw down the paper in disgust." But unless you read the following rambling Andy Rooney–style rant, how are you going to know for sure? THANK YOU.

Now... where was I? OH, YEAH! Professional sports are designed for fat turds who are too goddamn lazy to play sports themselves. (Notice how my rant is starting out more restrained than usual?) Sure, I watch a lot of TV, but the reason my honey-baked ham is tighter than a trampoline is because I play sports instead of watching them on the tube! Besides, most of the sports I play you'd never see on television... sports like nude red rover, or nude car-wash wrestling, or competing in the nude Special Olympics.

Sadly, only non-nude and exceptionally boring sports make it onto TV: football, baseball, basketball, and a bunch of hayseed- chewing hillbillies circling a racetrack. WHO GIVES A POOP? This is especially infuriating when we're in the middle of the most exciting time of year (the new fall TV season—DUH!), and everything grinds to a screeching halt because none of the networks want to compete with the most tediously retarded game ever invented, the Major League Baseball (MLB) playoffs (starting Thurs Oct 5, 8 pm, Fox). Again, I have nothing against playing the sport itself—especially when it's in the form of nude T-ball—but why must we be forced to endure these lard-ass, steroid-enhanced tobacco chewers? AUGHH!! Professional sports are so STOOPID!!

However, there are three shows to look forward to this week:

Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi, Fri Oct 6, 9 pm). While all those tubby meatheads are slapping each other on the ass, I'll be staring at the sweetest interstellar booties on TV, courtesy of the brilliant, dark, and super-cool BSG, returning for its third season. Still the best drama on TV!

30 Rock (NBC, Wed Oct 11, 8 pm). Here's a behind-the-scenes peek at a late-night sketch comedy show that'll make you yell, "Waitasecond—haven't I seen this before?" Yes, and it's called Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The difference is that this one stars Tina Fey (Saturday Night Live, Mean Girls), Tracy Morgan (SNL), and Alec Baldwin—and it's funny. Ironically, both are funnier than the actual SNL, which even at its worst is funnier than MLB.

I Pity the Fool (TV Land, Wed Oct 11, 10 pm). OMIGOD, this could be the most AWESOMEST reality show ever! Mr. T (Rocky III, The A-Team) travels the country dispensing advice to people in small towns, à la Dr. Phil—except Mr. T could easily pound that idiot Dr. Phil into a puddle of dumbass guts! (And that's a professional sport I could get behind!)