jeremy eaton

[Hey Readers! I'm on vacation this week in MEXICO—doing... ahem... research on donkey shows—therefore, please enjoy this old-timey installment of "The BEST of I Love Television™!"—yer pal, Humpy.]

Know what? If you offered me a million bucks, I'd take it. However! I wouldn't necessarily be crapping my pants in joy. Sure, I could use the money. Who couldn't? But don't be rolling up with a million smackers and expect me to drop and diddle your fiddle. Because in today's economy, one million dollars is CHUMP CHANGE. That's right, jive-talkin' turkey! CHUMP CHANGE!

A million dollars won't pay my bar tab, much less my credit cards, and the monthly child support to my 18 baby mamas. So if you're feeling all Daddy Warbucksy with your extra dough-re-mi, don't come knocking at my door with a paltry million bills. If you're gonna roll with the Hump-daddy, you gots to pay to play; and I don't play for any less than ONE BILLION DOLLARS.

See, when you got one billion, you're talkin' about some eeeeeeeeeeeasy livin'. Why with one billion, I could purchase all those credit card companies, and have enough left over to buy each of my baby mamas their own baby mama. In fact, I could illegitimately impregnate 18 MORE baby mamas, and still have enough money to send all my baby mamas' babies to college. WHY? Because when you gots a billion, you can afford to be generous. And that's one thing you AIN'T. Because otherwise—why haven't you been knocking on my door with a billion dollars?

Apparently, if I want one billion, I'm gonna have to get it the old-fashioned way: Go on national television and get it from a monkey. This week, I'll be watching a game show entitled Pepsi Play for a Billion. How do they decide who wins the billion? They don't decide. A MONKEY DOES.

Here's how it works: Give yourself diabetes by drinking as many Pepsi products as possible. Then, in between insulin injections, check the bottle caps to see if you're one of the 1,000 lucky contestants chosen to be on Play for a Billion. Then stand in a hot, sweaty studio along with 999 other nobodies, and listen to the tired, droning jokes of host Drew Carey, while an actual monkey decides whether or not you win a billion dollars.

Humiliating? Maybe for you, but I LOVE MONKEYS! And I also LOVE INSULIN! And perhaps most importantly of all, I LOVE A BILLION DOLLARS! But here's what makes the humiliation worth it: When you receive a billion dollars from a monkey, he won't be lording it over you all the time. You won't hear any, "Will you give my cousin a ride to the airport at 6 am Saturday morning... and don't feel obligated just because I gave you a billion dollars." No way. When a monkey gives you a billion dollars, I'm pretty sure you don't even have to report it to the IRS.

So in conclusion, watch me on Pepsi Play for a Billion. Who knows? Thanks to a generous monkey, I might be one billion and 18 baby mamas richer.