jeremy eaton

Happy holidays, everyone! OKAY, enough bullpoop niceties. I must say I've been extremely disappointed in your test scores over the last few years in regards to my annual "Xmas Snap Quiz™." As you undoubtedly remember, every year I test your knowledge of those Rankin/Bass holiday specials that feature creepy wooden puppets, and every year you fail. MISERABLY. So once again, I've decided to give you ONE... LAST... CHANCE. Answer the following questions about Rudolph, the Grinch, Frosty, Santa, and that king of bald prepubescent martyrs, Charlie Brown. Answers are below, but remember! Cheaters only cheat themselves—at least that's what my ex-wife used to nag me about.

MATCH GAME 2006

Match the syrupy holiday special on the left with the arch-nemesis on the right who would ruin Xmas for everybody!

  • Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
  • How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
  • A Charlie Brown Christmas
  • The Year Without a Santa Claus
  • Frosty the Snowman
  • The Little Drummer Boy
  • Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town
  • Winter Warlock
  • Professor Hinkle
  • Abominable Snowman
  • Ben Haramed
  • Cindy Lou Who
  • Commercialism
  • The Miser Bros.

"We Three Kings" Multiple-Choice Quiz

(1) The Grinch can best be described as (a) cranky, (b) lacking in the spirit deemed appropriate for the holidays, (c) a triple-decker sauerkraut-and-toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce.

(2) In A Charlie Brown Christmas, Lucy says Christmas is "a commercial racket run by..." (a) "a big Eastern syndicate," (b) "ad agencies," (c) "MetLife."

(3) Which of the following is NOT one of the names considered by the children for Frosty the Snowman? (a) Harold. (b) Freezie. (c) Oatmeal. (d) Kuckafuckarabba.

(4) "I'm Mister Green Christmas, I'm Mister Sun. I'm Mister Heat Blister, I'm Mister Hundred and One." Okay, so who am I? (a) Mr. Curling Iron. (b) A motorcycle exhaust pipe. (c) An ad for a tanning salon. (d) The Heat Miser.

(5) In Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town, what's the name of the toy-hatin' mayor of Sombertown? (a) Burgermeister Burgermeister. (b) Burgerburger Meistermeister. (c) Meisterburger Burgermeister. (d) Burgermeister Meisterburger.

(6) In which holiday special is Santa a real asshole? (a) The Year Without a Santa Claus. (b) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. (c) Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town. (d) Frosty the Snowman.

(7) In The Year Without a Santa Claus, Jangle Bells the elf shows his concern for Santa by saying, (a) "What about your gout?" (b) "Maybe you've got a tapeworm." (c) "You don't scare children.... You LOVE children!" (d) "You look so tense... Here, lie down and let me rub those tired muscles."

Answers!!

Match Game: Rudolph = Abominable Snowman, Grinch = Cindy Lou Who, Charlie Brown = "Commercialism," Year Without Santa = The Miser Bros., Frosty = Professor Hinkle, Little Drummer Boy = Ben Haramed, Santa Claus Is Comin' = Winter Warlock.

Multiple Choice. 1. "c" 2. "a" 3. "b" 4. "d" 5. "d" 6. "b" 7. "a"