Jeremy Eaton
MANY I LOVE TELEVISION™ readers are fond of writing in with the following two questions: "I really want to have sex with you; will you have sex with me?" and "How come they ain't no monkeys on TV?" The answer to the first question is "YES." Yes, I know you want to have sex with me, and yes, I will have sex with you. However, since there are more I Love Television™ readers than spunk in my nut sack, it may take a while for us to get around to having coitus. In the meantime, may I invite you to masturbate while reading this column? Thank you very much.

As for the second most-asked question, "How come they ain't no monkeys on TV?"-- I'm afraid the answer is not so simple. It may be because monkeys don't possess the critical human element needed to get a TV show on the air (i.e., the ability to bitch and moan like a goddam baby).

Example: Every year at this time, the networks announce their lineup for the coming fall season. And then about five seconds after the announcements are made, every minority group in the world starts yelping about how they're not being represented, and how all the shows feature honky crackers. And they're right! Honky crackers are the rule, and in a perfect world, television shows would reflect the diverse myriad of race, creed, and color that makes up our global community, from sea to shining sea, blah, blah, blah, BLAH. However! While this may be good for the Bengali dwarf who gets a role on Felicity, a new question is posed WHO STANDS UP FOR THE MONKEYS?

Monkeys are being shunted off to the back of the minority line, and that ain't right. Here's proof: Pick a minority any minority. Okay, we'll choose the Geena Davis minority. As we all know, there are very few tall, gorgeous actresses in the world named Geena Davis--but she's getting her own sitcom on fawking ABC! Or how about the "rich person" minority? There are certainly more dirty, unwashed poor people in the world than sweet-smelling, well-dressed rich folk--and yet the rich are once again getting their own Dynasty-like drama with NBC's Titans, starring Yasmine Fawking Bleeth!

And while the Titans cast does not include a whimsical chimp wearing a red jumper and roller skates, I'm gonna be watching this one anyway. I mean, c'mon! We haven't had a juicy nighttime soap in years, and since this one involves a divorced man (hunky Casper Van Dien) who marries a nymphomaniac who happens to be riding the "wild baloney pony" with his son? Why, I done died and gone to heaven!

The point is that it's always commendable to scream for your favorite minority to make it into a fall show. However, one axiom still holds true: BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU ASK FOR. The FOX network is debuting a new sitcom about the trials and tribulations of a gay dad. The only problem? The gay dad is the eternally tubby hubby from Roseanne, JOHN GOODMAN! Excuse me, but where was Casper Van Dien during that audition?

So to answer your question, the person responsible for getting more monkeys on TV is YOU. Write the networks! Send in examples of famous television monkeys like those from B. J. & the Bear, Mr. Smith, and Hey! That Chimp's a Dentist! Only by screaming louder than the gays, Latinos, and Bengalis will we get the monkeys we deserve. Now, if you'll excuse me, my next sex appointment is coming in. Nut sack, don't fail me now!