Jeremy Eaton
IT'S OFFICIAL! America LOVES "reality-based" shows. Gone are the days when sweaty cigarette-smoking scriptwriters sat in darkened rooms, cranking out tired-ass plots for even more tired-ass sitcoms. The way most TV executives figure it, why should they pay big bucks to some failed theater major to write a crappy script for Touched on the Swimsuit Area by an Angel, when they can pay a fraction of that to John Q. Schlub who will happily drop his pants on Survivor or Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Take it from me¯paying out the occasional million smackers means nothing to these people. They spend more than that every week on kiddie porn!

But here's a quandary: While Americans truly love reality TV, how many would actually agree to be on such a show? According to a recent CNN poll, while 43 percent of our friends and neighbors LOVE Survivor and other shows of that ilk, three out of four Americans would rather stick a pencil in their eye than be on such a program! This is truly disturbing. What happened to America's love for exhibitionism? You sure never see the Japanese hanging around behind Al Roker during his weather report, waving their index finger in the air, screaming, "WHOOOOO! I'm number ONE!! WHOOOOOO!" while wearing a T-shirt that reads, "Mustache Rides--5 cents."

Furthermore! Not only have Americans suddenly developed an annoying sense of modesty, but dig these stats: Of the 27 percent of respondents who would be on such a show, they'd only be willing to do certain things. For example, 31 percent said they would allow themselves to be seen wearing pajamas; 29 percent would kiss onscreen; 26 percent would cry; 25 percent would argue; 16 percent would get drunk; 10 percent would eat a rat or insect (This is a weird poll!); eight percent would perform naked; and a meager five percent would engage in some sort of sexual intercourse! Jeezus H. Pete! What a bunch of babies! I've done ALL those things onscreen, and MORE (except for wearing pajamas--hey, I'm not stupid)!

Here's the problem: CNN only picks boring people to take their idiotic polls, so it's no wonder the results are skewed! However, if they had polled I Love Television™ readers--now, there's some interesting people! That's why I'm creating my own goddam poll, and CNN can suck my nut. Please answer the following questions as honestly as possible: If allowed on television, would you.

(A) Let Jon Bon Jovi drool into your mouth?

(B) Ruin a child's birthday party by dressing up in a clown suit with the ass cheeks cut out?

(C) Give and/or receive a handjob from Happy Days' Potsie (Anson Williams)?

(D) Accept Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?

(E) Insert a proctoscope into your anus and hook up a web- cam?

(F) Have yourself miniaturized and injected into someone's bloodstream?

Send your responses to "Sure, I'd Do It!" c/o I Love Television™, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Portland, OR, 97210. Or e-mail them to steve@portlandmercury.com. I'll use one of our really big computers to tally up the percentages, and print the results in a couple of weeks. Until then, just remember: You don't have to be a star, baby, to be in MY show.