Jeremy Eaton
MAY I SAY NOW, and for the record, that I fawking HATE this time of year! The waning days of summer are the WORST time for finding any entertainment on the tube. All the summer series (like Survivor) are finished, leaving us with nothing to do but pick lint out of our orifices and wait for the new fall shows to arrive. It's goddam TORTURE, I'm tellin' ya! And with all this extra time on our hands, there is little else to do but sit around and conjecture about TV characters--which is really embarrassing when you stop to think about it!

Example! Regardless of the fact that Martin Sheen's character on The West Wing (President Bartlet) is the drug-induced creation of some underpaid screenwriter, there are still those among us who wish that he were running for president instead of Al Gore! And you know what's even scarier? In his speech to the Democratic Convention, Gore actually used a line that President Bartlet said in The West Wing! See? Even Gore thinks Bartlet would make a better president than him!

Example two! Another sure sign of pre-fall boredom is the American public's obsession with nude TV characters. Now, as we all know, I am a strong proponent for the concept of nudity, and I'm all in favor of nude celebrities in artful pictorials--as long as the nasty blackheads and dirty cracks have been airbrushed out.

However! Artful publications like Playboy are no longer trying to get the daughters of Al Gore to drop their tops. Instead of attempting to coerce actual celebrities (like David Hasselhoff) to jump in the buff, Playboy has given up, settling for the temporary stars of recent reality shows. Remember Darva Conger, the unwilling bride on the controversial FOX show Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? Well, after all of her post-show mea culpas in which she insisted she was temporarily insane, and that she's in fact a good Christian girl guess who was recently spotted in a spandex miniskirt at the Playboy Mansion grinding away on Hugh Hefner's 85-year-old thigh?

Playboy has also been making hefty offers to ex-Big Brother stripper/cast member Jordan, as well as Jenna and Colleen from Survivor. And while none of the major magazines have been clamoring for pics of Survivor's annoyingly nude Richard, Playgirl magazine is lusting after his fellow castaway Joel, who says he'd be willing to bare his booty for the welfare of our nation's women.

Apparently, Americans have become so jaded to the concept of reality shows that it's no longer enough to bear witness to every private moment of a person's life--now we have to see them nude as well! And since I'm incredibly bored waiting for the new fall season, I would have to agree. During the last few weeks of summer, I think there should be "nude" versions of every series on television. "Nude" Law & Order. "Nude" Jeopardy. And of course, "nude" Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. OH! And how about a "nude" version of The West Wing? On this episode, President Bartlet is having a nude conference with nude Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat. When negotiations break down, it's up to extra-special nude guest star Al Gore to come in and save the day!

Take a tip, Al Gore, and you might get elected after all! n