Jeremy Eaton

BRACE YOURSELF for the following horrifying factoid: It has come to my attention that many I Love Television™ readers are frightfully poor! Oh, sure they may be able to scrape up enough money for the occasional SUV or line of blow, but according to a recent I Love Television™ Telephone Poll™, almost 99 percent of readers stated they would like "more money" than they have now! And this is easily understandable considering all of the television producers who literally have money pouring out of their bungys--all for simply pitching their ideas for reality shows to the networks.

See, networks save tons of moola when they use reality shows, because they're so much cheaper to produce than a show starring your George Clooney or your Screech from Saved by the Bell. Ergo, the time for you to sell your dumbass idea for a reality show is NOW! "But Wm. Steven Hump-me," I hear you cry, "while I would most certainly like to line my pockets with network cake, I am, at present, bereft of any ideas to sell, nor would I know how to sell them! Boo-hoo-hoooo!" Well, my friend, dry those weeping eyes, because I have scientifically designed a form letter that will not only sell your idea to the networks, but actually furnish you with the idea you need!

It's called the "I Love Television™ Reality Show™ Mad Libs™ Form™" and it's OH! So easy! On a separate sheet of paper write out examples of the following words: (1) Noun. (2) Article of clothing. (3) Adjective. (4) Home appliance. (5) Number between 1 and 1,000. (6) Same as #4. (7) Occupation. (8) Body part. (9) Noun. (10) Noun. (11) Noun. (12) Your favorite celebrity. (13) Same as #4. (14) Noun. (15) Your favorite orifice. (16) Same as #14. (17) Same as #15. (18) Same as #5. (19) Noun. (20) Your favorite body part. (21) Your name.

Now simply plug your words into the corresponding blanks in the letter below, mail to your local network executive, and in no time you'll have more money than you'll know what to do with! (Although snorting coke off the bellies of prostitutes is always fun.) Enjoy!

Dear Major Network Executive: Think that Survivor is the best thing since sliced (1)_______? Well, I have an idea for a show that will blow your (2)_______ off! It's called (3)_______ (4)_______, and here's how it works: You take (5)_______ contestants, and stick them in a (6)_______. But what they don't realize is that one of them is actually a (7) _______ whose (8)_______ is shaped like a (9)_______. So anyway, they're talking and getting to know each other, right? That's when you throw in a rabid (10)_______. If anyone survives, that means they each get a pound of (11)_______. Meanwhile, the host, (12)_______, leads the group in a French-kissing contest. The winner of this contest gets to choose the first person to get kicked out of the (13)_______. After that, it's a battle royale! Every week the contestants will shove a (14)_______ in each other's (15)_______. The person with the most (16)_______s in their (17)_______ wins (18)_______ dollars and a (19)_______.

Thanks for considering my idea, and making me rich. If there's anything I can do (including sucking your (20)_______) please let me know. Sincerely, (21)_______.