LET ME TELL YOU, students these days have it EASYYYYYY. As our nation's youth return to their classes for another educational year of school, they should remember that when I was their age, I didn't get away with half the crap that they will. For example, when I was in the eighth grade? Mr. Ross, my science teacher, beat my ass EVERY SINGLE DAY for an entire year! And for what? NOTHING! Well, at least nothing much. Sure, I was filled with youthful exuberance, which often manifested itself by my putting scoops of mashed potatoes in his chair, or throwing the class nerd head-first into a garbage can. Sure, I would often answer my name in roll call by saying, "MmmmmmmyesssssSSSSS?" in a loud and annoying tone. And sure, whenever Mr. Ross would attempt to paddle me, I would dash off down the hall screaming in mock terror, and fling myself down a flight of stairs just so I could get out of gym class for the day. But is this any reason to lacerate my hindquarters every day for a year?? It's a wonder there's anything left of my beautiful honey-baked ham!
While many so-called "lawmakers" may take the credit for denying teachers the pleasure of corporal punishment, it is my opinion that it was a myriad of mushy, sensitive high-school TV shows that really shaped the teachers of the 21st century. And so, to celebrate how far we've come in educational standards, I've decided to give you all an I Love Television™ Pop Quiz™ on the subject of high-school TV shows. You will find the answers at the bottom of today's column--but NO CHEATING, or I will happily inflict a stinging retribution on each of your juicy bottoms. (No cheating on purpose!!)
(1) What hotsy-totsy star of HBO's Sex in the City was once a four-eyed dork on Square Pegs?
(2) Upon graduating from the classic school sitcom Saved by the Bell, angelic Tiffani-Amber Thiessen got a devilishly slutty role on what FOX nighttime soap?
(3) What former Nixon speechwriter was a teacher in the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off, as well as TV's The Wonder Years?
(4) Speaking of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, in the short-lived TV spinoff called Ferris Bueller, what big-nosed actress played the big-nosed sister's role (previously played by big-nosed Jennifer Grey)?
(5) In the sitcom Boy Meets World, li'l Ben Savage plays a student who really deserves to get his ass beat by his teacher William Daniels. For extra points, what famous car did Daniels provide the voice for in one of the greatest action/adventure shows of all time?
(6) Omigod like, do you remember My So-Called Life? Wasn't it, like, the best show, like, EVER? Okay, okay. So name the character who played Angela's boyfriend, who is, like, the dreamiest guy I've ever seen, and can paddle my honey-baked ham whenever he wants!!