Jeremy Eaton

HEY! EVER SEEN that show on VH1 called Where Are They Now? Well, if you ask me, VH1 should devote an entire show just to SATAN! Think about it! When's the last time Lucifer popped up on the cultural radar? He literally hasn't drowned a toddler in years! So why the no-show? Here's my theory: He's a lot like Madonna. He's older, he's sick of doing interviews, and there are people like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera who do evil a lot better than he ever did!

Take network executives for example. Historically, they're the most evil, rotten, backstabbing jerks the world has ever known. But regardless of past behavior, it doesn't hold a candle to the pure, unmitigated EEEEEEEEEEEVIL they've been committing lately! Why it's enough to ship SATAN off to a retirement condo!

So, what's so eeeeevil about network executives? OH! I will tell you! Ever heard of the actors' strike? Starting next year, the Screen Actors Guild (the organization that provides us with both Harrison Ford and Screech from Saved by the Bell) will go on strike if network and ad executives don't start fairly compensating actors for the work they do in TV commercials. Basically it means that Arsenio Hall (even though he's annoying as shit) should get paid every time one of his 1-800-Collect commercials is broadcast.

Now, if the labor unions don't settle this tiff before next June, then you can kiss your Freddie Prinze Jrs., your Sarah Michelle Gellars, and your David Hasselhoffs goodbye for an entire season of movies and TV shows! But here's where the EEEEEEEEEEVIL part comes in! As of this point, the network executives are saying, "Fawk Arsenio Hall and the horse he rode in on! I'm not gonna pay that washed-up 'woof-woof'-yellin' muthafucka another goddam penny! What's that? Frasier will go on strike? Well boo-hoo-hooo! Tell that bald-headed, car-wreckin' coke head that I'll just program another reality show in his place and laugh my solid-gold ass all the way to the bank!"

And they're serious, too! All the major networks have ordered truckloads of reality shows just in case the strike goes on too long. And even worse--they're EEEEVIL reality shows! Take for example Destination Mir, in which regular schmoes go to a Russian Space Agency boot camp, just for the opportunity to suffocate to death on the 15-year-old space station Mir (which is kinda like taking a vacation in the bathroom at Satyricon)! Then there's Getaway, where veteran cops get the opportunity to kill themselves by engaging in actual car chases with stunt drivers on a dangerous track! And--perhaps worst of all--there's Temptation Manor, in which three couples are sent to an exotic resort and try to seduce each other into the sack. Presumably, the winner walks away with a load of cash and a stubborn case of gonorrhea.

See what I mean?? How can plain ol' SATAN ever compete with this kind of EEEEEEVILOSITY? Friends, it is up to each and every one of us to help SATAN regain his self-esteem, and return him to his former glory as our dark master and the true Prince of Lies. Send your everlasting soul to "SATAN," care of this paper, and do it TODAY (especially if you ever want to see Arsenio Hall again)!