Jeremy Eaton

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, I hope everybody thinks George W. Bush is the greatest thing since canned peas, 'cause he's gonna be our next president. How can I be so sure? Because the same American public who will vote for that bumbling Texas cow-humper also voted to make Eddie, the one-legged Jersey jerk, the grand-prize winner on Big Brother.

Now as you know, I'm all about the amputees--but Eddie was nothing but a stinking creep! However, as soon as America took one look at his adorable stump, all reason flew out the window! Similarly, George W. Bush is also a handi-capable dickhole, except instead of missing a leg, he's missing the ability to read or form coherent sentences. And apparently, America thinks this is just the cutest thing!! So, to sum up, if America voted for Eddie, then surely they'll vote for Bush--unless, of course, V.P. candidate Joe Lieberman wants to lop off a leg for the good of the country. Just a suggestion.

Okay! Speaking of the possibility of a Bush White House, have you seen the new MTV show Fear? Boy, it's terrific! Six college-aged kids are stuck in a haunted building for two nights, and are told to wear a fancy camera that not only records what's happening in front of them, but also videotapes their faces and reactions. Then they're sent off to accomplish different tasks in the scariest parts of the building, and whoever stays the entire two nights wins 5,000 bucks each!

In one episode, this makeshift Scooby gang were sent to a muy creepy deserted prison, where they watched interviews with people who had witnessed pants-pooping ghostly phenomena within the walls: horrible stories of prisoners dying in the electric chair, or gutted like fish during prison riots. Wholly convinced they would probably die before ever collecting the 5,000 smackers, the trembling hipsters were sent off alone into the prison.

And trust me when I say it was both bone-chilling and heeee-larious! Finding themselves deep within the pitch-dark bowels of this creepy building, the tough frat boys collapsed in tears, while a hippie chick practically suffered a nervous breakdown when her flashlight and radio died.

Oh! But the best part! This lone black guy was assigned to pull a tarp off the prison's electric chair. Convinced there was a body underneath, he refused to do the task until his teammates started screaming at him over his headset: "You can do it, man! Pull that bitch off!" And he was like, "I can't do it! I can't pull that bitch off!" But they kept screaming, "C'mon!! Pull the bitch off, and get out of there!" And finally he said, "Okay! I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna pull that bitch off!" and when he finally did pull that bitch off, of course there was nothing there--but that didn't stop him from running out of there screaming like Richard Simmons with his shorts on fire!

Ha! Ha! HAAAA! I LOVE IT! And you'll love it too, so don't miss the next episode of Fear, which is scheduled to show (appropriately enough) on Friday, October 13 (Boo!) at 9:30 p.m. And if you ask me, maybe instead of debates, Bush and Gore should be thrown into a haunted house, and whoever doesn't crap his pants can be president! "Look out, Bush! It's the ghost of Joe Lieberman's leg!"