Jeremy Eaton

IT IS A WELL-KNOWN FACT I consider the so-called "art" of poetry to be the delirious ravings of bi-polar nerds and lonely spinster librarians. However! It doesn't mean I'm not capable of doing it myself. The way I see it, there is both a time and place for poetic license, and poetry is ruined by those inclined to whip out their license at the drop of a hat. One must remember there are only a few subjects in the world worthy of poetic odes: one is cheese, another is Tom Selleck's booshy moostache, and the other is what I am writing about today--TV's hunkiest beefcakes.

Now, in the past, many famous poets have slit their wrists after reading my remarkable work. I would like to further encourage this practice, as the world will have no more use for these failures after reading the mind-blowing words I choose to impart upon the page. In other words, "Eat my ass, you bi-polar, bargain-basement, Jonathan Livingston Seagulls!"

Ode to TV's

Hunkiest Beefcakes!

by Wm. Steven Hump-me

TV, TV--next to my wall,

Who is the hunkiest beefcake of all?

Who has the eyes that burrow my soul,

Or muscles that make me lose motor control?

TV, TV--can you please tell,

The name of the meatloaf I think is so swell!

Who has the voice so sweet and so deep,

And a booty so tight,

it makes me scream "peep!"

TV, TV--please give me a clue,

Or would it might help

if I mentioned a few?

Well, there's David Boreanaz

who's an Angel for sure,

He's a Hunky McHottie

and luscious du jour!

TV, TV--I have another in mind,

He's handsome and dreamy,

and a beefcake divine!

He's Casper Van Dien,

and for the record I'll state

On Titans, he speeds up my metabolic rate!

TV, TV--know who makes me sick?

It's that waterhead jerkoff from Dawson's Crick!

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him each week,

What's his name? Oh yeah!

James Van Der Beek!

TV, TV--what is that smell?

It's Robert Downey Jr., and he's just out of jail!

They gave him a job on Ally McBeal

But a washed-up junkie can't make me squeal!

TV, TV--I'm getting off task!

Who is the hunkiest, I must again ask?

On Dark Angel there's Logan,

who's packed nice and tight

And makes my pants

look like a rocket launch site!

TV, TV--next to my wall,

Speak to me please, and answer my call!

If you cannot tell who the hottest might be

The hunkiest beefcake has got to be... ME!