Jeremy Eaton

HEY! I ADMIT IT! When I make a boo-boo, you won't see me scurrying around, covering my tracks. No siree, Bob! When I make an error, I stand up straight and yell to the world, "WORLD, I admit it! I made a mistake! I am not perfect! I am not a God! I am much like you; fraught with human weaknesses, prone to the follies of mere mortals." Oh, sure I can hear my enemies howling with glee over my unseemly fall from perfection, spewing their saliva and bile into their open palms in a futile attempt to cover the chortles emanating from their pie-holes. But STILL! I remain unashamed, and will be the first to admit I pooh-poohed the idea of making a Charlie's Angels movie, when, as it turns out, that movie FAWKING RAWKS!!

I love, love, LOVE the Charlie's Angels movie, and while I'm certain there will be critics who hate it, that's only because their heads are buried too deeply in their own stinky cracks to recognize true ART when they see it. I LOVE Lucy Liu, I LOVE Drew Barrymore, and (brace yourselves) I super-duper LOVE Cameron Diaz! I know! I usually hate her stinking guts! But what can I say? Her choice to play a Charlie's Angels character as a giggling, girlish, bug-eyed sociopath is brilliant! Plus, add all those hottie bodies, the hilarious sexual imagery (Lucy Liu with her thighs clamped around a missile), and over-the-top chop-socky fight scenes, and I'm ready to hand Charlie's Angels the freaking Oscar. Run, don't walk!

Whooo! I think I just came in my pants. Anyway, enough slobberin'. My point is that while I may have been wrong about making Charlie's Angels into a movie, I am most definitely NOT wrong that it's a horrible idea for Hollywood to make a movie out of Scooby Doo! For those who can't recall, the cartoon followed the annoyingly predictable exploits of a band of teenage detectives (Freddy, Daphne, Velma, and Shaggy) and their dog, Scooby Doo. It's also wildly successful, loved around the world, and blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!

NOW! I don't give a good goddam how popular this cartoon is, it won't make a good movie because I HATE IT! Even when I was crapping my diapers I hated it. It's boring and stupid, and for some reason people are always reading more into the show than there actually is. Like the whole "Velma is a lesbian" theory. Okay, she doesn't have a boyfriend, and she dresses like a dork. That makes her a lesbian? I'm going to send Melissa Etheridge over to kick your ass!

And have you heard who they're thinking of casting in the roles? So far they have Christina Ricci (GACK!) as the supposedly lesbionic Velma, and (you're not gonna believe this one!) for the role of Shaggy, they're considering Dustin Diamond--that's right! Screech from Saved by the Bell!

HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD??? Trust me on this one, folks: This movie is gonna suck dead hippo dick, and if I am wrong, I will personally burn all my beloved Charlie's Angels paraphernalia, including my autographed photo of Lucy Liu with a missile between her thighs! And you can trust me to do this because I am never, ever (well, almost never) WRONG!