Jeremy Eaton

O, TEMPTATION! That deadliest of delicious fruits! Ever since God entrapped Adam and Eve with the forbidden apple, Temptation has been a bug in mankind's bottom, eternally trying to eat its way out. Sometimes the bug says (and the following quotes work better if you employ a scratchy, screechy voice), "Christ, look at the ass on that piece of cake! Whooo-whee! I gotta have me some of that!" Or sometimes it says, "Why don't you buy a new car? This one's CRAP!! You wanna know why I live in your ass? Because I'm too embarrassed to be seen riding around in your shitty CAR!!!"

However! The Butt Bug of Temptation is not only enticing you toward new cars and a sweet piece of booty, it now wants you to commit the greatest sin of all: watching Temptation Island (Wednesdays, 9:00 p.m., FOX). This sordid little reality series, which made its debut last week, involves four unmarried couples who are questioning their relationships. So instead of seeking oh, I don't know therapy, the couples decide to visit an exotic island filled with hot, horny singles who have only one goal in mind--DESTROYING RELATIONSHIPS AND LIVES! Using highly advanced tactics of booze and nudity, these hotties do their damnedest to seduce the wavering lovers away from each other (while trying to avoid stubborn venereal diseases).

Perhaps the most amazing thing about this show is how the participating couples actually seem to have no idea that letting their significant others bump bellies with a cheese and/or beefcake might endanger the future of their relationships. But, as always, stupidity makes for great television--and luckily for us, these four couples have all the brain power of a sack of dead shrimp. This show has barely started, and treasured vows of celibacy have already been tossed away like used condom packages, with many contestants maliciously flirting, rubbing, and finding their tongues licking someone else's tonsils.

Now, I'm thinking this show reminds me of something I've seen before but I can't quite put my finger on it. Waitasecond! Now I remember! Of course! It reminds me of my FIRST MARRIAGE! Oh, yes. How could I have forgotten? Naturally there are a couple of major differences between my first marriage and this show: (A) No one was paying my ex-wife to have sex with other people (at least I think they weren't paid), and (B) while my ex-wife was having sex with other people, there was absolutely NO ONE trying to have sex with ME! Otherwise, the two are very similar.

Regardless! While Terry, the Butt Bug of Temptation (I've decided to name him Terry. Got a problem with that?) may have an easy time tempting the island dwellers to stray, there's a refreshing honesty about Temptation Island. After all, ignoring horniness never makes it go away. So maybe we should just 'fess up to the fact that we are all tempted at one time or another, and that temptation can even be a good thing: providing those juicy, tingly feelings that make life worth living. So go ahead! Take a bite of that apple! (However, I strongly advise against eating any apple Terry might offer. After all, we all know where he's been.)